Author Archives: shindancer

The Search is Over: RIP Jimi Jamison

Over a decade ago, Spiegelmama and I went to see the Reo Speedwagon, Styx, Survivor mega-concert At Mandalay Bay in Vegas because when you get the chance to see The Speedwagon…you grab it! Before the concert, all we could talk about was Reo and Styx. After, all we could talk about was Survivor. Oh, and also, how young Dennis DeYoung’s replacement was, and how we didn’t notice until he vaulted over the keyboard, but mostly we talked about Survivor and how many hits they had and how we knew the words to all of them. (As tweens, we’d even written a parody song of The Search is Over called The Weekend’s Over: every Monday’s bringing me back to school!)

Jimi we hardly knew ye.

Jimi we hardly knew ye.

That’s why I was so sad when I found out that one of their lead singers*, Jimi Jamison, died yesterday at 63. I’m sure he was a good guy a la the plot of the video for The Search is Over. A sexy woman thrashes in her bed while her boyfriend walks around town, thinking about the skeevier moments in their relationship. The reason these moments are so skeevy is that they all revolve around weird friends of his – an unscrupulous bartender, a guy who seems to be running some sort of scam involving driving actresses around in a midlife-crisis car, and a dealer who delivers his goods on bridges via motorcycle. Thank goodness he comes to his senses and arrives back home just before his girlfriend thrashes onto the floor. He rushes over to her and gives her a tender, platonic hug.

You might have noticed a few things. First, Jimi was world class hugger.

Aw. Snuggies!

Aw. Snuggies!

You might also have noticed that Survivor shoe-horned the entire band into their videos way before The Foo Fighters and No Doubt did it. Did you notice something else? The skeeviness I mentioned earlier? A little? Maybe. Well, wait until you watch I Can’t Hold Back.

Things you to keep in mind as you watch:

1: He first sees her ass at 22 seconds. He first sees her face at 35 seconds. He falls in love somewhere in between.

2. Peach sweater. Peach earrings.

3. The girl in this video, Lee Ann Marie, was a trained dancer who performed with Ann Fucking Reinking and was one of the Danke Shoen girls Ferris sings to on the float. She claims that the director of the video didn’t know that she was a dancer until she busted out her Staying Alive-esque Aisle-walk dance (about a minute in). If that is true, then why did he not notice her Dance Face at 54 seconds? Pay attention, Chicago-based 80s video director.

4. The weird reaction to the kiss at 2:40. Especially this guy:

Woo. Getting hot under the old collar.

Getting hot under the old collar.

Look, I know he is a band member and not an actor, but his performance as Business Perv is so creepily accurate, it makes me wonder if he’s doing too much acting…or too little! Either way, that’ll be seeping into my nightmares tonight.

5. A man has died people! Let’s show a little reverence.

*Survivor had two completely interchangeable lead singers…just like Kids Incorporated. They are now down to one. Sad trombone.

The king is dead.

James Garner will be long remembered as Maverick, Rockford, or for a few of us romantic comedy suckers, the Murphy in Murphy’s Romance, but to me he will always be King Marchand. He will always be the lovable gangster who fell in love with a woman who was pretending to be a man who was pretending to be a woman.

Yay!

A real man’s man.

In some weird cosmic way, I’d like to think that he’s laughing at Robert Preston’s drag routine in the great cabaret in the sky.

We’ll be drinking margaritas by the sea, mamacita.

When the movie Thelma and Louise came out, it was unapologetic with it’s in-your-face, shoot-you-in-the-dick, blow-up-your-tractor-trailer brand of feminism. Some men took umbrage, like the mustachioed dude who happened to walk out of the theater ahead of me. “That was nothing but a couple of women driving around and shooting men,” he remarked with more than a little contempt.

You watch your mouth.

You watch your mouth.

“Fuck yeah, it was.” I said loud enough for him to hear. He looked at me with actual fear in his eyes, but I just laughed, lit a cigarette and walked to my car, scrunchied pony-tail swinging and slouchie-suede high-heeled boots tapping on the pavement. If it had been a different movie, I might have said nothing, just given him a dirty look and talked shit about him later, but you see, I was Thelma.

In 1991, when the movie came out, I was smack-dab in the middle of an epic friendship that could, before then, only be described (with just a bit of a stretch) in pop culture terms as Patsy and Edina.

Sombreros, Pats?  Oh, yeah, Eddie!

Sombreros, Pats?
Oh, yeah, Eddie!

Without question or any stretch at all, we were an un-armed Thelma and Louise. I was much younger and still figuring out how not to take crap from men (especially the good-looking ones). She was jaded and older and always telling me exactly how to stop taking crap from men. We even took more than just a few road-trips, but instead of driving to Mexico, we were driving to New York to drink Boones Farm on Yasgur’s Farm or to catch George Harrison and Bob Dylan at Madison Square Garden.

Smile, Thelma!

Call of the wild.

 

There was a female comic who, on the topic of how dating can sometimes screw up our lives, said something to the effect of “Every young woman should be locked in a closet from the age of 19 until 27 just to keep her out of trouble.” I disagree. I think every woman should spend those ages in a joined-at-the-hip friendship with a Louise who’s been down that road you’re about to drive down and already locked the State Trooper in the trunk.

Louise, no matter what happens, I'm glad I came with you.

Louise, no matter what happens, I’m glad I came with you.

Now, I might not have followed all of it, but my Louise gave me plenty of “He’s your husband not your father” caliber advice: Don’t let a man hit you, not once, not ever. Don’t date a man who cheated on or hit his last girlfriend. Don’t cry over an asshole because you already have one, you don’t need another one. Always take the word “bitch” as a compliment. Always leave a tip for housekeeping and never leave a mess. If you are going to go to one concert, go to Ringo Starr’s All-Star Band because then you get…like seven bands for the price of one…plus a Beatle.

The advice, along with hushed revelations, talk of getting the fuck out of New Hampshire, angry rants, and fall-to-the-floor laughter was a big part of our friendship. We talked. We talked on the phone for hours, then met in the Denny’s smoking section and talked over pots and pots of bad coffee. We talked at the mall as we shopped for outfits, shoes, belts and over-sized bracelets. We talked in seedy bars, lighting cigarettes and tossing lighters on the table with a clunk, jangling our well-coordinated bracelets and snapping our overly-embellished belts as we sipped double sombreros…and we laughed at the men who thought we were doing it for their benefit. I had an ex-boyfriend admit to me once that he hated the fact that we spent so much time together. I thought about ignoring it and changing the subject, but I was Thelma, so I said, “Why? What is it about two women talking that threatens you?”

My Louise even had a secret in her past, one the size of Texas. She kept it from me, but other well-meaning (and not so well-meaning) people told me about it. I called them out for spreading rumors and then said, “So what? That’s in the past. What matters is the present.”

Thelma7

You know how I feel about Texas…

But since then, I’ve learned that it isn’t just THIS present that matters. It’s certain presents that matter. It doesn’t really matter that I needed to push her away when I quit smoking and cut back on coffee and shopping. And jeez Louise, it doesn’t matter who moved to California and lost touch and who stayed in Nashua, New Hampshire and died of cancer. What matters is that our friendship will always be there. Sue and Melinda. Two women. One present suspended in time, washed out by faded memories, defiantly hovering above the abyss.

Let's keep goin'

Lets keep going

 

This blog is dedicated to my Louise, who deserves better, but this is the best I can do.

EPSON MFP image

Susan Smith-Rogers: 04/14/1953 to 11/09/2005 and forever over the abyss.

2Good4u Reigns at Purple Rain.

Thanks to all who gave us fab costume ideas for the 30th Anniversary Showing of Purple Rain at the Balboa. * We threw together some last-minute creations and did not even consider the fact that there would be a costume competition until the organizers of this fab affair steered us towards the auditorium on the right, where the competition would be fierce!

And I mean Fierce! Look at my girl Corvette as Wendy! Look at her. If the button placement doesn’t bring tears to your eyes, I don’t want to know you.

 

Ding ding ding ding ding-ding ding. Computer Blue.

She’s not going to put a dark cloud over you.

 

And look, look how Pepper acts like all her brains are in her cleavage. Oh! Oh! Even better is how Butterscotch manages to look exactly like a cross between a 17 year old girl and a magician, capturing Prince’s essence perfectly.

King Kong? No, but here...pick a card. Any card.

King Kong? No, but here…pick a card. Any card.

 

My Lisa was just a pair of lace gloves and a little back-combing, but standing next to these three, I was confident in getting fourth place.

Excuse me, do you have a few minutes to talk about purifying yourself in Lake Minnetonka?

Excuse me, do you have a few minutes to talk about purifying yourself in Lake Minnetonka?

And I got it! You already saw places one through three. And guess what? They gave out exactly FOUR PRIZES! It was the most 80s-movie moment of my life. Corvette won the DVD, which we will soon be blogging about whilst drunk. I got a poster which will soon be framed and put on my wall because I am at that age when I put posters in frames.

Oh, and for those smart-asses who think we’re too old for this, here is a picture of us about ten years ago when were also too old for this.

Suck it, haters.

Suck it, haters.

 

 

*And apologies to anyone who sat near us. What can we say? We like Purple Rain. Loudly.

Movie Going: Slumber Style.

So, when we went to The Castro for a special squee-inducing Labyrinth showing and Q & A with the original cast and crew, we were lucky enough that our friend Frederick Mead, actor, writer and part-time face painter,  was visiting from New Orleans and did our make-up.

We remind us of the babe... thief.

We remind us of the babe… thief.

When we went to see special Peaches Christ showing of 9 to 5, we decided to go a more traditional route by tying up and dragging a mustachioed woman through The Castro. We got more than just a little attention.

Oh Violet! Pay attention!

We didn’t have anyone to watch Mr. Hart, so we took him with us. I mean, you can’t just call the nanny service for something like that!

On Sunday, we’ll be going to see the 30th (WHA??!!) Anniversary showing of Purple Rain at The Balboa.  One of us already has her costume, but the rest of us need quick and easy costume ideas.

Have you purified yourself in Lake Minnetonka?

Have you purified yourself in Lake Minnetonka?

Of course, if I had more time, I’d add 14 crinoline layers to a blue dress, glue some glasses to a waitress tray, and walk around all night saying, “Apollonia?!” over and over and over. (Maybe Halloween?) Help us out! We need some quick and easy regal costume ideas. You know how important this movie is to us! If you don’t know, to give you an idea, this is my bio for this site:

I’m a freelance writer, comedian and slumber party movie fanatic. It all started when I was 14 and walked down to Strawberries and purchased a copy of the best movie that has ever been or will ever be, Purple Rain. …And it only cost me 75 bucks. After that, I made my friends swear that they would not make fun of Morris Day before I would allow them to view The Precious. I’m not sure why I was afraid my Morris would be the subject of ridicule…maybe because he wore a doo-rag with a zoot suit.

 

 

Our Best Movie Clip Post Ever.

The other night at Slumber Party Headquarters*, we sat down over a couple mock-mocktails to hash out a question that has been puzzling Slumber Party historians for eons. What is the absolute best scene from a slumber party movie ever? Lerlines, you know I fought for the Girl Group Rehearsal scene from Purple Rain. I fought for you, Morris! For the love of Burt Reynolds, I FOUGHT FOR YOU!

Sadly, I got shouted down and had mock fake booze thrown at me. … Mostly by Spiegelmama, who later admitted she wasn’t really paying attention and thought we were arguing about whether or not Duran Duran’s Andy Taylor should have been replaced with Gary Richrath back in ’91**. Despite the controversy, I think the clip we decided on is a solid, if slightly controversial, choice. What do you think? (You’ll really need to watch the clip all the way to the end to get what we mean.)

*Yes. It is a magical place filled with egg chairs and mountains of Jiffy Pop. Why?

**Why not? He wasn’t doing anything.

McConnelling Slumber Party Style.

Verbatim transcript of a recent imaginary conversation:

Jody: Can you make me some McConnelling videos, please?

Me: No. Sorry. I’ve told you I don’t do porn. … Anymore.

Jody: It’s not porn, it’s adding different music to McConnell’s campaign ad.

Me: Who is McConnell? Is he the geeky little brother in Making the Grade?

Jody: No. He’s a politician.

Me: Is he a much older, married boyfriend in St. Elmo’s Fire?

Jody: He’s a real person.

Me: A wha?

Jody: Never mind. Look. I have the flu. I feel like I’m dying. This will make me feel better. … Just do it.

Me: Fine, but only because you’ll be dead soon.

Jody: I said I feel like I’m dying…never mind. Here’s a list of songs.

Red Tiki: Hold up! Can you also do The Chauffeur?

Me: Maybe. If you’re lucky.

Me: Wait! What if I use an old Gilda Radner sketch. That would be funny right?

Goldblum Will Save The Internet

Me?

Me?

Jeff Goldblum will save The Internet AGAIN, starting with Facebook, which is currently eating itself. No, this is not another one of those “Facebook is going the way of MySpace and Friendster before them, and I for one will bow down to the cyber usurper who takes its place” blogs that have been published weekly and shared on Facebook for the past 8 years. This is TRUTH. (And, yes, I said AGAIN, but more on that later.)

Look at your Facebook feed. People are so afraid of being mocked in one of those “list of the 24 worst, most horrible people on Facebook who actually deserve to die when you really think about it” blog postings that are published bi-daily that they can’t share anything at all…except those blog postings. Blog postings that have nearly eliminated cat pictures, lunch check-ins, humblebrags, not-so humble brags, proof of procreation and Hello Tuesday! postings.

And really, what’s left? Political postings? Oh no. Remember when we all came out AGAINST that African child-murdering warlord only to find out 12 minutes later that it meant we were coming out in FAVOR of white hipsters who masturbate in public…probably in front of someone’s Auntie June? Remember? Well forget it. Now, It’s gotten so bad that you can’t even make fun of hipsters because apparently they are people. Even the ones who masturbate in front of Auntie Junes.

Is it any wonder that people have started playing What Character from Your favorite TV Show Are You quizzes like it’s 2008 all over again? Watch your news feed, it will soon feature a scathing, un-researched blog post accusing Grumpy Cat of being a pedophile. And those little girls in the Goldiblox videos? Yeah. They caused cancer. Killer kids and pedophile cats. That is the future of Facebook and The Internet. UNLESS….

Back in the late 90s, Spiegelmama hipped me to this cool website where you could send Goldblum-o-Grams to friends and family. We would send them to each other daily with messages like “Congratulations you’ve been Goldblumed!” or “That guy you brought home last night was ugly. Aim higher. Aim for Goldblum.” Or something like this:

What's for Breakfast? How about some Goldblum?

What’s for Breakfast? How about some Goldblum?

We noticed, soon after, that The Internet started doing pretty well for itself. Coincidence? Maybe, but recently, when Facebook seemed to be teetering on the edge of oblivion, something happened. People started sharing Goldblums. Sexy Goldblums, Serious Goldblums, Hot Goldblums, Cool Goldblums, Disco Goldblums…you name the Goldblum…it was shared, and it was glorious. Goldblum is a perfect entity. He can not be broken down. He is the element Goldblum. He will never masturbate in front of your Auntie June. He saved The Internet, he will save Facebook and possibly the world!

In the interest Saving the of World, Slumber Party Movies offers a fresh batch of Goldblums, ready for sharing. Please. Handle with care. Goldblum is flammable.

Candlelit Goldblum

Candlelit Goldblum

Not-littering Goldblum

Not-littering Goldblum

Decorated Goldblum
Decorated Goldblum
Shaved-alien Goldblum

Shaved-alien Goldblum

Unshaved Alien Goldblum

Unshaved Alien Goldblum

Cowboy Goldblum Part 1

Cowboy Goldblum Part 1

Cowboy Goldblum Part 2

Cowboy Goldblum Part 2

Bedoilied Goldblum

Bedoilied Goldblum

Talking About Space Goldblum

Talking About Space Goldblum

Pleased to be here, Conan Goldblum

Pleased to be here, Conan Goldblum

Telling a Driving Story Goldblum

Telling a Driving Story Goldblum

This Guy, Amirite, Andy? Goldblum

This Guy, Amirite, Andy? Goldblum

90s Goldblum Ties a Sweater around Goldblum's Flannel

90s Goldblum Ties a Sweater around Goldblum’s Flannel

Cigar Goldblum

Cigar Goldblum

No Cigar Goldblum

No Cigar Goldblum

Seeing a Dinosaur Goldblum

Seeing a Dinosaur Goldblum

Seeing Dinosaur Poop Goldblum

Seeing Dinosaur Poop Goldblum

Fucking with a T-Rex Goldblum

Fucking with a T-Rex Goldblum

Laughing on Helicopter with Bond Villain Goldblum

Laughing in a Helicopter with Bond Villain Goldblum

Piano Man Goldblum

Piano Man Goldblum

The Stranger Goldblum

The Stranger Goldblum

Pre-coital Goldblum (brunette)

Pre-coital Goldblum (brunette)

Pre-coital Goldblum (blonde)

Pre-coital Goldblum (blonde)

Goldblum mid-coitus

Mid-coital Goldblum

Post-coital Goldblum

Post-coital Goldblum

Post-coital Goldblum (self)

Post-coital Goldblum (self)

Pre-coital-Goldblum (Conan)

Pre-coital-Goldblum (Conan)

Mid-coital Goldblum (Conan)

Mid-coital Goldblum (Conan)

Goldblum post-coital (Conan)

Post-coital Goldblum (Conan)

Explaining why he had to shoot that spider Goldblum

Explaining why he had to shoot that spider Goldblum

Office Drone Goldblum

Office Drone Goldblum

Not the nerdy one Goldblum

Not the nerdy one Goldblum

The nerdy one Goldblum

The nerdy one Goldblum

Dipping Cyndi Lauper Goldblum

Dipping Cyndi Lauper Goldblum

Reluctantly talking on snake phone Goldblum

Reluctantly talking on snake phone Goldblum

Calling shotgun with Peter Falk Goldblum

Calling shotgun with Peter Falk Goldblum

Getting a hand Goldblum

Getting a hand Goldblum

Getting handsy Goldblum

Getting handsy Goldblum

Trying to act casual with bikini models Goldblum

Trying to act casual with bikini models Goldblum

Failing to act casual Goldblum

Failing to act casual Goldblum

Pointing forward Goldblum (no glasses)

Pointing forward Goldblum (no glasses)

Looking to the right and pointing forward Goldblum (no glasses)

Looking to the right and pointing forward Goldblum (no glasses)

Goldblum points forward (glasses)

Goldblum points forward (glasses)

Looking to the right and pointing forward Goldblum (glasses)

Looking to the right and pointing forward Goldblum (glasses)

Tugs front of pants while bending down Goldblum

Tugs front of pants while bending down Goldblum

Guess who's coming to dinner? Goldblum!

Guess who’s coming to dinner? Goldblum!

Passed out on your couch Goldblum

Passed out on your couch Goldblum

Goldblum has magic hair

Goldblum has magic hair

Because he is a Magic man!

Because he is a Magic man!

 

Got a Goldblum? Send it to us or tweet it to us @SlumberPartyMov with the hashtag #gotagoldblum

BTW, this can also be done with Geena Davis? Don’t believe me? Check out exhibits A and B:

Bang!

Bang!

BOOM!

BOOM!

Dissecting the Nerds Montage.

Lerlines, do you remember how I told you that at least once a day, someone stumbles upon this blog by typing “your mother’s old douchebag” into Google and then arriving upon the cleaning-the-house  montage from Revenge of the Nerds I put up on here to cheer Jody on while she was doing some work on her house? Well…it’s true, and I think some of them are actually looking for the Nerds montage. here. Here it is again: 

 

But not Tim Troiano, he’s different. He did not search for your mother’s old douchbag, or anyone’s old douchebag for that matter. Oh no Not Tim. He arrived on this very silly blog with the very serious intent of analyzing, in great detail for his very serious digital media blog, the montage itself. Check it out. It’s really quite fascinating. Fascinating that anyone could take a scene in Revenge of the Nerds more seriously than us.

Here’ s a sample of the data he compiled:

:14-:20 The nerdy guy from before in a medium long shot is too far from a pole but trying to paint it. His friend walks up and moves him closer so his paint brush is making contact with the house’s support. In this shot everybody is working including the robot. This is the most work we’ve seen done in a shot since the montages start meaning a lot of progress has been made on the house.

He never even mentions douchebags! The restraint is astounding. Seriously, thanks for stopping in,Tim. Let us know if we can help you with anything else. The psychological effects of the scene where Jeannie falls on the ice and can’t get up in Flashdance? A comparing and contrasting of Grease and Grease 2? Hidden  social-economic commentary in Clue? Anything at all, darling. You just let us know.

M8DBELI EC003

Congratulations and Best Wishes to Incredible Women, Lily and Jane.

When fantastic funny girl Lily Tomlin marries writing partner and genius responsible for the Incredible Shrinking Woman, Jane Wagner, we can think of only one way to say congrats!

Cheers!

Cheers!

This is truly newsworthy!
This is truly newsworthy!

To all the naysayers, we say, "Well of all the rudeness. Don't you have something to shop for? Some rat poison maybe?"

To all the naysayers (*cough* DOMA), we say, “Well of all the rudeness. Don’t you have something to shop for? Some rat poison maybe?”

 

If that was too subtle for you...

Or if that was too subtle for you…

 

Seriously, we're happier than Santa in a Nativity Scene for you two, and in closing would just like to say....

Seriously, we’re happier than Santa in a Nativity Scene for you two, and in closing would just like to say….

 

I wish I was a little bar of soap. Bar of soap! Oh, I wish I was a little bar of soap. Bar of soap! Because I'd slippey, slidey, slidey over everybody's heinie. Oh I wish I was a little bar of soap.

I wish I was a little bar of soap. Bar of soap! Oh, I wish I was a little bar of soap. Bar of soap! Because I’d slippey, slidey, slidey over everybody’s heinie. Oh I wish I was a little bar of soap.