So maybe it’s a full-on slumber party, or maybe you just invited a few friends over while the kids are at school. Either way, you’ve got a full bar and a copy of Burlesque, starring Christina Aguilera and Cher’s wax statue (I mean Cher’s wax statue and Christina Aguilera–that wax statue is a major diva and demands top billing).
Of course you know how to watch Burlesque (without irony, but with a distinctly half-cocked suspension of disbelief), but do you know how to drink Burlesque? No. You don’t. But follow this handy pictorial, and you will.
The movie begins with our girl dancing with her pony-tail in a dead-end bar in a red-stated dive town. Get inspired by the ashtrays on the table and whip up a few 7 & 7s. Start a drinking game where you take a sip every time Christina acts plucky, spunky or like a moron.
By the next scene you will be drunk. But the adorable cocktails that Cher’s wax statue and gay Stanley Tucci drink will tempt you with scrumptious ridiculousness. Give in and attempt to replicate them using Two Buck Chuck, Diet Mountain Dew and olive juice. Fail scrumptiously.
Vow to stop drinking, but when Christina backs her way into a prestigious cocktail serving gig by promising to blow the guy-linered bartender, be inspired! Strut out of the kitchen with a tray of fancy champagne. If you don’t have champagne, you can make your own with bourbon and glasses.
For some reason, re-enact the next three dances as best you can while wearing roller-skates and drinking flaming Jager shots. Never tell anyone what that reason is.
Make your own version of this costume using Mardis Gras beads and the innards of your duvet. At this point your neighbor will come by to complain about the noise and the smell of burning Jager and feathers. Do not answer the door.
Every five minutes, remember that Alan Cummings is in this movie. Be pleased.
Every ten minutes, loudly lament that you don’t have an awesome gay best friend like gay Stanley Tucci. Call your actual gay best friend and tell him how inadequate he is. Be specific.
Fill up another tray with champagne. If you have run out of bourbon, make your own with vodka and brown. Make-out with everyone in the room, even your neighbor. (At this point it will make sense to remember that I told you not to answer the door, but it’s okay. You can do that later.)
Remember that you are still watching a movie just in time for a sex scene with Christina, the bartender and a box of cookies. Grab your friend’s phone and text every male name in it, asking if he’d ever tasted your friend’s cookie. Be momentarily relieved that the recipients of those texts will think that you are talking about baked goods. Suddenly remember that you added the words, “and by cookie, I mean lady bits” to every text. Forget it just as suddenly. Send your neighbor to the store for a bag of Chips Ahoy.
Pass out in a pool of burnt Jager and Mardis Gras beads twenty minutes before the movie ends. Vow to watch it sober next time, but don’t.
Next time: Let’s Drink Sophie’s Choice! Or no…Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Yeah. That’s better.