Category Archives: Life at The Slumber Party

The Five Stages of Finding Out Caveman is Disappearing from Netflix.



1. Discover that Caveman is leaving Netflix and tell your husband. Be aghast when he says, “What’s that?” Remind him it was the Quest for Fire for stoners who liked jokes about Dinosaur hand jobs. After he shrugs and says, “Never heard of it.” Stare at him like you don’t even recognize the man you share a bed with. Finally manage to say, “So…if I say ‘zug zug’ to you, you have no idea what I’m talking about?” He’ll say, “No. Who’s that?” But you’ll already be lying in the closet. Stay in there until the world starts to make sense again.

Zug zug matcha?


2. Oh come on! Get out of the closet. Maybe he just forgot. Remind him that it starred Ringo Starr in the first of the many barely-speaking roles we expected him to get as the 80s rolled on, but he never did. When that doesn’t ring any bells remind him that Dennis Quaid was also in it.



Nothing? What about Shelley Long? Huh? Remember her? Briefly discuss the fact that, although many people think that Long made a huge mistake quitting Cheers, considering the fact that the adorably sexy-yet-relatable blonde roles in movies like Night Shift  and Caveman were setting her up to be a new, less-busty Goldie Hawn, maybe taking on Diane Chambers in the first pace was actually the huge mistake. Be reminded that Shelley Long played Carol Brady in the 90s Brady movies. Acquiesce. There were no mistakes in Shelley Long’s career.

Nya bobo.

Nya bobo.

3.  Calm the hell down already! It’s not like you ever made any effort to watch Caveman while it was on Netflix. In fact, you actively ignored it, didn’t you? Didn’t you?! Wonder if it really even holds up after all these years. I mean, now that we’ve suddenly discovered feminism, can we really enjoy a movie that culminates in a scene where Ringo throws his future wife, Barbara Bach, into a pile of poop just because she was sexually fickle?



4. Snap out of it! That’s how all movies in the 80s ended. Caveman was actually pretty progressive. The caveman were pretty darn multi-culti. They even had an oddly clean-shaven Asian caveman. He had a line in one of the movie’s many poo-poo jokes. Remember?



Oh! And those gay cavemen (or gavemen)! They were cool, right? They were the only ones on the set who were styled by Vidal Sassoon.

Zug zug?


Besides Ringo’s beard, of course.

Zug zug.

Zug zug?

5. Say screw it, and decide that your husband doesn’t need to watch Caveman just because you watched it every time The Movie Channel showed it back in 1983 (about 3 or 4 times a day.) Not everyone had cable. … Or the ability to sit through 91 minutes of Ringo Starr not talking and stepping in hippo-sized piles of dino poop. Decide that he can just watch the trailer. Search for it on Youtube and discover that the entire damn movie is on there. Realize that you have plenty of time to not watch Caveman.

Movie Going: Slumber Style.

So, when we went to The Castro for a special squee-inducing Labyrinth showing and Q & A with the original cast and crew, we were lucky enough that our friend Frederick Mead, actor, writer and part-time face painter,  was visiting from New Orleans and did our make-up.

We remind us of the babe... thief.

We remind us of the babe… thief.

When we went to see special Peaches Christ showing of 9 to 5, we decided to go a more traditional route by tying up and dragging a mustachioed woman through The Castro. We got more than just a little attention.

Oh Violet! Pay attention!

We didn’t have anyone to watch Mr. Hart, so we took him with us. I mean, you can’t just call the nanny service for something like that!

On Sunday, we’ll be going to see the 30th (WHA??!!) Anniversary showing of Purple Rain at The Balboa.  One of us already has her costume, but the rest of us need quick and easy costume ideas.

Have you purified yourself in Lake Minnetonka?

Have you purified yourself in Lake Minnetonka?

Of course, if I had more time, I’d add 14 crinoline layers to a blue dress, glue some glasses to a waitress tray, and walk around all night saying, “Apollonia?!” over and over and over. (Maybe Halloween?) Help us out! We need some quick and easy regal costume ideas. You know how important this movie is to us! If you don’t know, to give you an idea, this is my bio for this site:

I’m a freelance writer, comedian and slumber party movie fanatic. It all started when I was 14 and walked down to Strawberries and purchased a copy of the best movie that has ever been or will ever be, Purple Rain. …And it only cost me 75 bucks. After that, I made my friends swear that they would not make fun of Morris Day before I would allow them to view The Precious. I’m not sure why I was afraid my Morris would be the subject of ridicule…maybe because he wore a doo-rag with a zoot suit.



Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From The Slumber Party Movies

Oprah, I love you, but I don’t need you. Go have a few Moscow Mules with Gail, and just chill because I got this. Dr. Phil? Fuck you. There I said it. Even if I could listen to you talk for ten seconds without daydreaming about drowning you in a vat of three bean salad, I don’t need your advice. Dr. Oz? Actually, I have a few questions about wrinkle creams I need you to answer for me, and then you can go straight to hell–don’t forget your sunscreen. Why would I need you chumps when my favorite movie characters have been telling me how to live my best life since Oprah was manning the phones at Dialing for Dollars?


Take a break, girl.

Here is all you will ever need to know:

Bluto from Animal House

Advice: When the going  gets tough, the tough get going.

Why?: Because when the Dean Wormers of the world have you on double secret probation, it  is time for a really stupid and futile gesture be done on somebody’s part.

Also: Just kiss my ass from now on.

Rizzo from Grease

Advice: There are worse things I could do.

Why?: So you got knocked up in the back of an Edsel? So you had to change your name because of the library books you stole. So you cheat at Words with Friends, and now your friends have some words for you? So you told the guy you’re dating that you are committed to composting but you just mean that you throw apple cores out the window of your car when you pass the park? So what? You don’t cheat and you don’t lie. Oh, wait. You do cheat and lie…and steal. Whatever. It still holds.

Also: Hey, Fongool!

Bill-Murray 3

The next three pieces of essential life advice all come from characters played by Bill Murray. Coincidence?  I doubt it.

Tripper from Meatballs

Advice: It just doesn’t matter.

Why?: Because when you think about it, it really doesn’t.

Also: Not masseur. Masseuse.

John Winger from Stripes

Advice: We’re all very different people, but we’re all Americans.

Why?: It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, brown, gay (or willing to learn), a boy named Francis or a girl named Zooey who gets blamed for horrific terrorist acts. We’re all Americans. We were all kicked out of every respectable country on the planet, so let’s stop bickering and acting so high and mighty. (I’m looking at you, Arizona.)

Also: Razzle Dazzle.

Additionally: Lighten up, Francis.

Phil Connors from Groundhog Day

Advice: Don’t drive angry

Why?: What has road rage ever gotten you except to your destination just a few seconds faster? The next time you’re pounding your steering wheel because someone takes five seconds longer to parallel park than you think you would, remember that you are no better than a rodent who thinks he can predict the weather.

Also: Check your mirrors. Side of your eye. Side of your eye.

Winston Zeddmore from Ghostbusters

Advice: If someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes!

Why?: Because if they are stupid enough to ask, they might be stupid enough to believe it, and god status is pretty sweet.

Also: Marshmallows are bad for you.

Mr. Kesuke Miyagi from The Karate Kid

Advice: Wax on. Wax off.

Why?: It always seems like all those geometry lessons we slept through in Jr. High were worthless until we had to parallel park in front of an angry beaver with a god complex. And also because it seems like all we were doing was watching hilarious movies, but we were really learning important life lessons that we could one day list in a blog that no one reads.

Also: Teens are cheap labor.

Sensei John Kreese from The Karate Kid

Advice: Sweep the Leg.

Why?: Because if that quadruped honks his horn one more time, he’s going to learn the meaning of the phrase “no mercy”.

Also: Come into my dojo….

Hanna Long from Flashdance


Advice: Do it now, Alexandria. Do it now.

Why?: Because today you might be an old but hale old woman with a slight cough, and tomorrow some bitch might be stripping the sheets off your bed for the last time.

Also: No also. That’s it. Do it. Do it now, Lerlines. Stop reading this blog and get your asses down to that ballet audition.


I Love Sororities.

In the wake of “The Rape of Betty Childs” last week, and also due to an appointment with the dentist, I never got around to posting a Friday Morning Video. But I’m glad I waited, because this is so, so much better.

Why am I posting it here? Because, Lerlines, where would Betty Childs have been without the Pis? Where would Bluto be without topless pillow fights?

WordPress is being annoying, so you’ll have to click through the image to FunnyorDie.


Recently, one of the fine sisters of Delta Gamma (U Maryland) took her sisters to task for being a bit more loserly than she appreciated. I’m not sure what her role is in the house; I’m guessing she’s in charge of social events, or possibly rush; she’s most definitely not a freshman or sophomore, I know that. In any case, displeased with the public personas of her fellow DGs, she composed a brilliant diatribe on just how disappointed she is in her sisters, and how they’d pretty much better get into shape, lest she get really angry and, say, cunt-punt them.

People have read the letter and called it “insane” and “deranged”; I think it’s brilliant. Despite a stuck caps lock, her grammar is surprisingly good, and she’s a terrific monologue writer. (Tip: use this at your next audition. You won’t be sorry.) Michael Shannon brings it to a David Mametesque level, which usually, to me, means something like “Good god, shut the fuck up and stop repeating yourself,” but in the context of Glengarry Delta Gamma, is an eloquent pouring-forth of profanity bordering on true beauty. It’s a glistening waterfall of verbal daggers.


I’m in agreement with the rest of the internet that “cunt-punt” is most certainly the best phrase, and here’s why: it’s not just the rhyming, or the visual; it’s that it’s not using “cunt” as a derogatory term. Instead, it’s expressing a very specific act of violence AGAINST the cunt. It’s “kick him where it hurts,” only it’s her, and it rhymes.

Then there’s the part where she issues a number of invitations to her sisters, such as asking them to email her back and let her know of their level of mental retardation, and also punch themselves in the face so she doesn’t have to do it for them.


Here’s what I love the most about the letter, though: I KNOW HER. OK, well, I don’t know DG Rebecca. But there was a junior my freshman year, and we’ll call her Mary Jane, who so terrified me that I’m STILL afraid of her. Mary Jane is a wonderful person, by all accounts: she volunteered for Special Olympics as a hugger, for instance, and I loved most of my sisters well enough to know that if they loved her, that she must have  a sweet chocolatey center, unlike Rebecca, who may actually be as horrible as one imagines shrill sorority sisters to be. But Mary Jane suffered no fools. NONE. And man, did she have a mouth.

You see, the true secret of Greek life is this: no way will 60 women all like each other equally. It’s just not emotionally possible. After living with someone for a few years, you forge your close bonds, and your less-close bonds, and one or two, you might even just not get at all. For the record, no, I did not dislike any of my sorority sisters, but some of them–well, we just didn’t get each other.

Of course, not even Mary Jane ever threatened physical violence, but that was 15 years ago, before all those violent video games made everyone crazy.


But when it comes down to it, you’re all in it together, you share the same rituals and handshake–yes! Rituals! Handshakes!– and I know that if I’d been at a party, and someone had done something untoward to me in Mary Jane’s presence, they’d have received a tongue-lashing that would have terrified even DG Rebecca into submission. Why? Because I was Mary Jane’s sister, goddamnit, and she’d fucking cunt-punt any boot-licking asswipe who’d ever disrespect me, even if I was some pledge whose name she couldn’t quite remember. It’s a family; the name “sister” is not an accident.

I hope nationals doesn’t come down too hard on DG Rebecca. Despite using extremely poor judgment in scribing an email (seriously, why couldn’t she scream at them in chapter?), being generally racist and unapologetically privileged, she probably has the group’s best interests at heart. Given a chance, she’ll be the fucking president of the goddamn national alumnae association someday, and do NOT fucking think she will accept that you assholes think you’re not going to donate. Delta Gamma gave you the four most fun years of your entire sorry existence, so fucking pay up and stop putting us off in your whiny little bitch voice.

Either that, or Rebecca: bone up on your screenwriting skills and go to Hollywood. You have a future there.

Suck on that, David Mamet.

** She also mentions Sigma Nu, specifically, and how the DGs would be unhappy if they invited Zeta over. Speaking as a Zeta (Bethany College, ’97) who regularly enjoyed the company of the Sigma Nus: thanks for the callout. It’s appreciated.

10 Slumber Party Movie Characters Who Inspire Me

Dottie and Alix over at always have terrific blog ideas, and since I have no inspiration this week for a Friday Morning Video, I’m going to steal spin-off their 15 Characters That Inspired Me idea, Slumber Party Movies-style. This is by no means a complete list.

1. Stef from The Goonies

God put that rock there for a purpose, Brand.

God put that rock there for a purpose, Brand.

Stef wore glasses, had short choppy blonde hair, and her BFF was the prettiest girl in school. She managed to mostly keep her cool, even after losing her glasses–I had nightmares about losing my glasses, literally–and in the end, got the funny guy in the Purple Rain t-shirt. Who wouldn’t call that a win?

2.  Julie from American Anthem

No, I will not dance to Swiss-style lederhosen music.

No, I will not dance to Swiss-style lederhosen music.

She was a gymnast who broke the mold and danced to her crippled friend’s synthesized symphony, and then had gymnastic sex with Mitch fucking Gaylord.  I took acrobatics because of her. Until I hyperextended my elbow mid back-limber and said screw this, I’m done. What do you want? We can’t all be Becky Cameron.

3. Sara from Labyrinth

Jareth said WHAT?

Jareth said WHAT?

She’s a bratty teenager who sees her parents as abusive because they ask her to babysit when she doesn’t have other plans. But she also lives in a fantasy world where she’s a warrior princess, rescuing said baby brother from an overfamiliar Goblin King with a crush on her. It’s no secret: part of the reason I had children was so that I could pretend, again, that I’m also a warrior princess.

4. Jan Brady

How DOES she do her tendrils?

How DOES she do her tendrils?

I was a middle child who imagined myself to be far more persecuted than I actually was. Plus, I had short hair and was desperate for long hair. That’s pretty much it.

5. Blair from The Facts of Life

Blair, before she found Jesus.

Blair, before she found Jesus.

Yeah, I know. We’re all supposed to like Jo best, because Blair was a rich bitch with too many clothes and too much hair, and she’s also kind of mean. But she had a lot of clothes, and a lot of hair, and she was also kind of mean.

6. Louise from Teen Witch

She likes boys.

She likes boys.

By the time 1989 rolled around, I was 14 and feeling the impact of being the nerdy one in school. Then along comes Louise, who, it turns out, comes from a long line of witches, and can wish herself into being popular AND getting Dan Gauthier, plus she magicks her spunky BFF into SPM rap history.

Which brings me to Inspiration #6.5: the BFF. Look at how funky she is.

7. Jordan from Real Genius

Meet me, if I were an even bigger geek.

Meet me, if I were an even bigger geek.

Nearly every time I’ve watched this movie with someone, they’ve stopped midway through Jordan’s introduction, looked at me, and said, “She is SO you.” Well, sure she is. Except she’s twice as brilliant as I am (and that’s saying something), much better at building things, and can knit. Like, really, really well.

8. Lisa from Weird Science

She'll kick your ass, Al.

She’ll kick your ass, Al.

I’m not even justifying this with an explanation. But here’s one, in case you require one.

9. Lynn from Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Don't bother her when she's watching DTV.

Don’t bother her when she’s watching DTV.

Best BFF ever. Cute, funny, sassy, and she has a reversible fuzzy Velcroed Catholic schoolgirl kilt. And a grasshopper hat. And dinosaur barrettes. Will someone bring back dinosaur barrettes, please?

10.  Billie Jean from The Legend of Billie Jean

Say it with me: Fair is fair!

Say it with me: Fair is fair!

Billie Jean kidnaps adorable geeks, defends her brother, denies an overgrown slug sexual advances, and inspires a nationwide movement to stand up for yourself. We could use some Billie Jeans these days.

That’s the start of my list. Add yours in the comments.

Birthday Tribute. Nia Peeples

Happy December 10th! Today is my birthday, but I didn’t even need to click on over to the Dlisted Birthday Sluts to know who my top sluts were. No! Not that slut Kenneth Branaugh. He barely cracks the top five. He falls somewhere between Raven Symone and Meg White. Susan Dey is my number two slut because she is pretty and because she was so bad on The Partridge Family that I kind of worship her for it. How did she stay employed? She barely knew her lines.

Nia "Bangs" Peeples straddles a chair like a boss.

Nia “Bangs” Peeples straddles a chair like a boss.

But, sorry Susan, My number one birthday slut is, and has been since 1984, Miss Nia Peeples. Nia Peeples. She was on Fame. No. Not the movie. The TV show. It was like Glee, but with less money. Here watch:

Click Here, Sluts!

Click Here, Sluts!

First of all, no one rocked a high-cut leotard with a wide belt like Nia. Second, I take it back. Fame was not Glee. It was better than Glee. Glee uses real songs by real professionals. These kids had to shake their leg warmers to original songs written by an eighth grade music class they kept chained in the supply closet at the studio. And they had to make it look good. Not easy.

I know what you’re wondering. You are wondering whatever happened to Nia Peeples. … Because you are stupid. Come on! What do you think happened to her? She’s on a stupid basic cable drama and she’s still hot. Check it.

Oh please, girl. You aren't fit to carry my satin duffle bag.

Back off, beyatch. You aren’t fit to carry my satin duffle bag.

Furrah for the Hoggy!

There are many reasons, many movies, and many slumber parties that have led to this ridiculously dorky but fun-as-all-hell-to-write blog (seriously…we dissect Flashdance and Purple Rain like they were classic literature…if that’s not dorky fun, I don’t know what is). The first movie that the three of us fun dorks bonded over was Jim Henson’s The Frog Prince. As the TV Guide ad below illustrates, it wasn’t exactly The Muppet Movie or even The Great Muppet Caper, so just the fact that we had all once been obsessed* with this obscure gem from Muppet past made us all start a squeal that has yet to decrease in volume and pitch.

Delightfully mod? Oh. So that was what was up with Sir Robin’s hair.

So what better way to say Happy Birthday to my partner in dorkitude than with this song–a song that Jody knows all the words to…frontwards and backwards.

* In a ridiculously dorky and obsessed move, I named one of my cats Sir Robin.