Oprah, I love you, but I don’t need you. Go have a few Moscow Mules with Gail, and just chill because I got this. Dr. Phil? Fuck you. There I said it. Even if I could listen to you talk for ten seconds without daydreaming about drowning you in a vat of three bean salad, I don’t need your advice. Dr. Oz? Actually, I have a few questions about wrinkle creams I need you to answer for me, and then you can go straight to hell–don’t forget your sunscreen. Why would I need you chumps when my favorite movie characters have been telling me how to live my best life since Oprah was manning the phones at Dialing for Dollars?
Here is all you will ever need to know:
Bluto from Animal House
Advice: When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Why?: Because when the Dean Wormers of the world have you on double secret probation, it is time for a really stupid and futile gesture be done on somebody’s part.
Also: Just kiss my ass from now on.
Rizzo from Grease
Advice: There are worse things I could do.
Why?: So you got knocked up in the back of an Edsel? So you had to change your name because of the library books you stole. So you cheat at Words with Friends, and now your friends have some words for you? So you told the guy you’re dating that you are committed to composting but you just mean that you throw apple cores out the window of your car when you pass the park? So what? You don’t cheat and you don’t lie. Oh, wait. You do cheat and lie…and steal. Whatever. It still holds.
Also: Hey, Fongool!
The next three pieces of essential life advice all come from characters played by Bill Murray. Coincidence? I doubt it.
Tripper from Meatballs
Advice: It just doesn’t matter.
Why?: Because when you think about it, it really doesn’t.
Also: Not masseur. Masseuse.
John Winger from Stripes
Advice: We’re all very different people, but we’re all Americans.
Why?: It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, brown, gay (or willing to learn), a boy named Francis or a girl named Zooey who gets blamed for horrific terrorist acts. We’re all Americans. We were all kicked out of every respectable country on the planet, so let’s stop bickering and acting so high and mighty. (I’m looking at you, Arizona.)
Also: Razzle Dazzle.
Additionally: Lighten up, Francis.
Phil Connors from Groundhog Day
Advice: Don’t drive angry
Why?: What has road rage ever gotten you except to your destination just a few seconds faster? The next time you’re pounding your steering wheel because someone takes five seconds longer to parallel park than you think you would, remember that you are no better than a rodent who thinks he can predict the weather.
Also: Check your mirrors. Side of your eye. Side of your eye.
Winston Zeddmore from Ghostbusters
Advice: If someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes!
Why?: Because if they are stupid enough to ask, they might be stupid enough to believe it, and god status is pretty sweet.
Also: Marshmallows are bad for you.
Mr. Kesuke Miyagi from The Karate Kid
Advice: Wax on. Wax off.
Why?: It always seems like all those geometry lessons we slept through in Jr. High were worthless until we had to parallel park in front of an angry beaver with a god complex. And also because it seems like all we were doing was watching hilarious movies, but we were really learning important life lessons that we could one day list in a blog that no one reads.
Also: Teens are cheap labor.
Sensei John Kreese from The Karate Kid
Advice: Sweep the Leg.
Why?: Because if that quadruped honks his horn one more time, he’s going to learn the meaning of the phrase “no mercy”.
Also: Come into my dojo….
Hanna Long from Flashdance
Advice: Do it now, Alexandria. Do it now.
Why?: Because today you might be an old but hale old woman with a slight cough, and tomorrow some bitch might be stripping the sheets off your bed for the last time.
Also: No also. That’s it. Do it. Do it now, Lerlines. Stop reading this blog and get your asses down to that ballet audition.