Category Archives: Purple Rain

Prince: Tonight, You’re a Star. And I’m the Big Dipper.

Man, this year has sucked.

Every post we’ve done in 2016 has been mourning those we’ve lost–and the last post was bidding farewell to Vanity, one of Prince’s girls. I admitted in that post that I’m not as much of a “Purple Rain” film aficionado as my fellow Lerlines (who I hope will be able to fumble through their sparkly tears to share with us their favorite moments, again), but I did love Prince. He fell squarely into the David Bowie he-makes-me-feel-funny sensual attraction, with the same androgyny, beauty, slender build, and eyeliner.

(Men: wear eyeliner. Seriously. You’ll get some.)

“Purple Rain” was part of the soundtrack of my childhood, but by the time I actually passed my David Bowie-induced puberty, and hit high school and college, Prince had pulled together the New Power Generation and released some of the best dance singles to come out of the early 90s (and there were a LOT of dance singles). Nothing got my ass on Bubba’s dance floor faster than “Seven.” Seven was bizarre and fantastical, and kind of religious and sort of made no sense, and goddamn, was it a hip-grinder that got the pelvic regions in contact with other pelvic regions? Yes, yes, it was. I’m pretty sure anybody who danced to “Seven” can say they got to second base.

There was also “Cream” and “Diamonds and Pearls.” But the Prince I really loved? That was the Prince whose songs were the opposite of metaphorical. The AppleJack-honest, in-your-face, “I am a sexy muthafucka,” THIS SONG IS UNQUESTIONABLY ABOUT THAT THING THAT ALL OF MY SONGS ARE ACTUALLY ABOUT.

One of his greatest songs –yes, I said it, I’ll put it up against Nothing Compares 2 U and Purple Rain–is “Gett Off,” a song that is unapologetically, 100% about orgasms. Specifically, women having orgasms. Specifically, Prince ensuring women get orgasms. Which I’m pretty sure he can do by raising one perfectly-crafted eyebrow.

What other song so effortlessly ties together a hip-thrusting bass line, rap, hip hop, soaring vocals, and James Brown funk? What other song has lyrics that are both domineering (“Now bring your big ass round this way so I can work on that zipper, baby”) and submissive (“I’ll only call you after if you say I can”)? It’s celebratory (“I like ’em fat! I like ’em proud!”) and insulting (“You better be happy that dress is still on. I heard the rip when you sat down.”).

It compares stripping down a woman to opening an ALMOND GODDAMNED JOY. (Did anyone ever see him eat a candy bar? Or video it? Please, share. The world needs that now.)

What other song so perfectly personifies Prince that he can say, straight-faced and OMG you giggle but you SO BELIEVE it: “Tonight, you’re a star. And I’m the Big Dipper.” (Nananana! Nananana!)

So let’s walk through the video. Note: the screenshots are VHS-blurry, so I recommend watching the video carefully, several times, to fully internalize its majesty.

Diamond and Pearl are auditioning for something. Diamond is wearing one of the best baby doll dresses ever to come out of the 90s, and good god, I still want to wear it all the time. (Halloween costume idea!)

Diamond wants the gig and is all in. Pearl ain’t so sure, especially after Diamond gives her a fake name.

The double doors open, and…

Why, hello to you, too.

Why, hello to you, too.

I watched that scream several times yesterday. I’ll watch it again now.

Diamond, of course, knows what her biz is and runs right up to Prince to start in. He enjoys it. And we cut over to Tony M, with amazing hair. He’s wearing what seem to be elbow-length black gloves. Why? I don’t care. His voice is butter.

Yes, you can call me after.

Yes, you can call me after.

(BTW: I cannot adequately express how excited I am that this hair is coming back. One of my first-grader’s classmates has a high-top fade and I have to control myself from giggling and clapping every time I see him.)

THEN we cut over to the effortlessly majestic Rosie Mays, with a soaring voice and her fabulous refrain “Let a woman be a woman and a man be a man.” It could be ironic–when has Prince ever let those two things be distinct entities?–but we know what’s for reals: it means we have complimentary parts that fit together nicely, so let’s make them fit together nicely, shall we?

Has champagne satin ever looked so good? No, it hasn't.

Has champagne satin ever looked so good? No, it hasn’t.

So Prince and Diamond get down for a bit, and we see all the gorgeous characters dancing all around… and then, “Oh, no, little cutie, I ain’t drinkin!” And he totally ditches Diamond and goes after Pearl, who seems mildly disgusted by the whole thing. So what’s he do? He strips her down like the ALMOND GODDAMNED JOY. That’ll teach her.

Parking meters sound uncomfortable, but in this case, I'll make an exception.

Parking meters sound uncomfortable, but in this case, I’ll make an exception.

Tacky and overeager as ever, Diamond runs up to try to win back his attention, and then darts off, pouting–which is when Prince throws the shade:

“So here we are, here we are, in my paisley crib. Whatcha want to eat?”

“Ribs!”

“Ha, toy, I don’t serve ribs. You better be happy that dress is still on. I heard the rip when you sat down.”

A few items of note: 1) Prince’s paisley crib is decorated with human furniture.

Have a seat on my humans. They like it.

Have a seat on my humans. They like it.

 

2) Appreciate the shade.

Honey, them hips is gone.

Honey, them hips is gone.

Incidentally, that woman in the back is letting loose a gorgeous scream. I’m not sure if she’s laughing or horrified. Is she Pearl, and found a coverup? I’m not sure. The red dress makes the whole thing very Lynchian.

And then he gets down and the sex starts. All over. I’m not going to ruin it with blurry screenshots. Watch it, several times. Today.

Take note:

1) OH MY GOD.

2) Dance moves.

3) Flaming torch orgy.

4) Drag harlequin.

5) COME ON.

6) Sexy flutes.

7) The guitar. Always, always, the guitar.

Movie Going: Slumber Style.

So, when we went to The Castro for a special squee-inducing Labyrinth showing and Q & A with the original cast and crew, we were lucky enough that our friend Frederick Mead, actor, writer and part-time face painter,  was visiting from New Orleans and did our make-up.

We remind us of the babe... thief.

We remind us of the babe… thief.

When we went to see special Peaches Christ showing of 9 to 5, we decided to go a more traditional route by tying up and dragging a mustachioed woman through The Castro. We got more than just a little attention.

Oh Violet! Pay attention!

We didn’t have anyone to watch Mr. Hart, so we took him with us. I mean, you can’t just call the nanny service for something like that!

On Sunday, we’ll be going to see the 30th (WHA??!!) Anniversary showing of Purple Rain at The Balboa.  One of us already has her costume, but the rest of us need quick and easy costume ideas.

Have you purified yourself in Lake Minnetonka?

Have you purified yourself in Lake Minnetonka?

Of course, if I had more time, I’d add 14 crinoline layers to a blue dress, glue some glasses to a waitress tray, and walk around all night saying, “Apollonia?!” over and over and over. (Maybe Halloween?) Help us out! We need some quick and easy regal costume ideas. You know how important this movie is to us! If you don’t know, to give you an idea, this is my bio for this site:

I’m a freelance writer, comedian and slumber party movie fanatic. It all started when I was 14 and walked down to Strawberries and purchased a copy of the best movie that has ever been or will ever be, Purple Rain. …And it only cost me 75 bucks. After that, I made my friends swear that they would not make fun of Morris Day before I would allow them to view The Precious. I’m not sure why I was afraid my Morris would be the subject of ridicule…maybe because he wore a doo-rag with a zoot suit.

 

 

Two Things You Never Noticed About The Goonies

1. Mouth is wearing a Purple Rain shirt through the entire movie. (This was my favorite late-night movie trivia question. I totally stumped my sister on it once.) You would not have noticed this unless a) you watched the movie very closely so as to stump your sister on late-night trivia questions; or b) you are a writer on this blog, and noticed everything with Purple Rain on it.

Siempre hay que separa las drogas.

2. Sloth is a Raiders fan. This is not surprising, as the late great John Matuszak was a Raider; in addition, it’s a pirate, for heaven’s sake, and this is The Goonies. But I’d never noticed he was wearing the t-shirt until last night, and I assume it’s because I’ve never before watched The Goonies in HD. (Five seconds of internet research told me this is an Easter egg, so you may have noticed it, but that would mean you look for Easter eggs and are an even bigger dork than I am.)

Ba-BEE! Ba-BEE!

One last thing to mention: I just noticed something new in The Goonies. That alone makes it one of the greatest movies of all time.

Top 10 Reasons This is the Best Scene that Has Ever Been in a Movie…Ever

In honor of Spiegelmama’s birthday, I am posting about one of her favorite movies and the best scene that has ever been in a movie ever.  I will also give you the Top Ten Reasons why it is the best scene that has ever been in a movie ever…as if  I even have to explain.

10. It features Morris Day in 1984. And in ’84,  Morris Day was the hottest thing to swing a pimp cane.

9. What? Yes! The hottest! Why? Yeah, I know he had a pompadour and a mustache, and he occasionally wore a doo rag with a zoot suit, but there was no one, I repeat NO ONE, hotter than Morris!

8. Okay, fine. You want to play it that way? Number 8 is: It features Morris Day in 1984. And in ’84,  Morris Day was the hottest thing to swing a pimp cane. Don’t mess with me. I can do this all day.

7. Speaking of pimp cane, Morris is doing his best pimp routine, but this scene would still pass the scrutiny of Prince’s religious over-lords. He’s not asking them to have sex for money. He’s asking them to perform the world’s simplest dance steps ever. What is their problem? Their shoes must indeed be on too tight.

6. The way Jerome shakes his head when the girls suggest that they make up their own dance moves. This rules because it not only suggests that at one point there existed dance steps even worse than the ones we see here, it also seals Jerome’s character as a toadie with a mind of his own. Yes he brings Morris comically large mirrors on demand, but he has his on opinions. Sure they are always the same as Morris’s opinions, but that is just a coincidence.  (Please see: That was f***ed up what you did. Morris doesn’t like it. I don’t like it either.)

5. Seriously! Those dance steps are bad. They are so easy my five-year old could do them, and I can’t imagine even the tightest of black ’80s pumps keeping anyone from performing them to even Morris’s high standards.

4. While Morris is asking for perfection, he also clearly asks to see some asses wiggling. At no point during this scene, do these girls wiggle their asses. They clearly can’t take direction.

3. It’s filled with puzzling moments like this one: Morris points his pimp cane at his band and warns the girls that they are going to make his boys look bad. But does Morris really care about “his boys”? He let’s them languish all day in a warehouse that looks  like it was decorated by Prince’s mom, watching girls in tight shoes not wiggle their asses and miss the same dance steps over and over. Why didn’t he just use a tape? We know they had the technology. Unless of course, Morris was paying them by the hour. I get the idea that Morris paid well.

2. Re-watch the beginning of this scene. Just do it, you’ll thank me. This time, watch Jerome. He appears to be playing an interesting new rhythm instrument called The Lampshade Fringe. You are welcome.

1. As you can see from this next video, Morris finally got the perfection he was looking for. What? Don’t start that again. Whatever. Creepy sunglasses guy (find him at 1:20) likes it.

Who wants to be a Modernaire?

Proudly Resents recently dedicated a podcast to one of the best slumber party movies ever: Purple Rain (1984). Host* Adam Spiegelman and his guests Michelle Buteau and Ryan Sickler and  just spent the whole time talking about how awesome the movie is in every way, and how Prince is the exception that proves so many rules (such as that tiny, greased-up, meatball-chest-haired men who dress like grannies can’t be sexy). One topic not addressed was the biggest plot hole in the whole movie, the source of the urgency of The Kid’s last stand: the club promoter having to choose whether to fire The Time or The Revolution to make room for Apollonia 6.

It was odd enough that anyone, no matter how desperate to see hot chicks in their underwear, would subject human ears to “Sex Shooter” in lieu of Morris Day’s magnificent “The Bird” or even Prince’s “Computer Blue.” But the real head-scratcher is that there’s another bandleader nearly begging to be cut: Dez Dickerson.**

You might not even remember this from the movie. You might have blocked it from your memory, lest it tarnish an otherwise perfect movie. But once you notice that the guy singing here is clearly the second guitarist from The Revolution, keeping the stage warm while Morris Day and Prince are off acting, you can’t unsee it. Why the club owner didn’t catch that, though, is a mystery to me.

The lesson: Sometimes people don’t see the obvious, and if you change your headband, you might just benefit from their blind spot.

* And my brother-in-law.

** One of the best things about the above video is the retro technology used to capture the scene. Holding a camera up to a TV reminds me of my sister and I holding a tape recorder up to the TV to tape REO Speedwagon off MTV.