Goldblum Will Save The Internet

Me?

Me?

Jeff Goldblum will save The Internet AGAIN, starting with Facebook, which is currently eating itself. No, this is not another one of those “Facebook is going the way of MySpace and Friendster before them, and I for one will bow down to the cyber usurper who takes its place” blogs that have been published weekly and shared on Facebook for the past 8 years. This is TRUTH. (And, yes, I said AGAIN, but more on that later.)

Look at your Facebook feed. People are so afraid of being mocked in one of those “list of the 24 worst, most horrible people on Facebook who actually deserve to die when you really think about it” blog postings that are published bi-daily that they can’t share anything at all…except those blog postings. Blog postings that have nearly eliminated cat pictures, lunch check-ins, humblebrags, not-so humble brags, proof of procreation and Hello Tuesday! postings.

And really, what’s left? Political postings? Oh no. Remember when we all came out AGAINST that African child-murdering warlord only to find out 12 minutes later that it meant we were coming out in FAVOR of white hipsters who masturbate in public…probably in front of someone’s Auntie June? Remember? Well forget it. Now, It’s gotten so bad that you can’t even make fun of hipsters because apparently they are people. Even the ones who masturbate in front of Auntie Junes.

Is it any wonder that people have started playing What Character from Your favorite TV Show Are You quizzes like it’s 2008 all over again? Watch your news feed, it will soon feature a scathing, un-researched blog post accusing Grumpy Cat of being a pedophile. And those little girls in the Goldiblox videos? Yeah. They caused cancer. Killer kids and pedophile cats. That is the future of Facebook and The Internet. UNLESS….

Back in the late 90s, Spiegelmama hipped me to this cool website where you could send Goldblum-o-Grams to friends and family. We would send them to each other daily with messages like “Congratulations you’ve been Goldblumed!” or “That guy you brought home last night was ugly. Aim higher. Aim for Goldblum.” Or something like this:

What's for Breakfast? How about some Goldblum?

What’s for Breakfast? How about some Goldblum?

We noticed, soon after, that The Internet started doing pretty well for itself. Coincidence? Maybe, but recently, when Facebook seemed to be teetering on the edge of oblivion, something happened. People started sharing Goldblums. Sexy Goldblums, Serious Goldblums, Hot Goldblums, Cool Goldblums, Disco Goldblums…you name the Goldblum…it was shared, and it was glorious. Goldblum is a perfect entity. He can not be broken down. He is the element Goldblum. He will never masturbate in front of your Auntie June. He saved The Internet, he will save Facebook and possibly the world!

In the interest Saving the of World, Slumber Party Movies offers a fresh batch of Goldblums, ready for sharing. Please. Handle with care. Goldblum is flammable.

Candlelit Goldblum

Candlelit Goldblum

Not-littering Goldblum

Not-littering Goldblum

Decorated Goldblum
Decorated Goldblum
Shaved-alien Goldblum

Shaved-alien Goldblum

Unshaved Alien Goldblum

Unshaved Alien Goldblum

Cowboy Goldblum Part 1

Cowboy Goldblum Part 1

Cowboy Goldblum Part 2

Cowboy Goldblum Part 2

Bedoilied Goldblum

Bedoilied Goldblum

Talking About Space Goldblum

Talking About Space Goldblum

Pleased to be here, Conan Goldblum

Pleased to be here, Conan Goldblum

Telling a Driving Story Goldblum

Telling a Driving Story Goldblum

This Guy, Amirite, Andy? Goldblum

This Guy, Amirite, Andy? Goldblum

90s Goldblum Ties a Sweater around Goldblum's Flannel

90s Goldblum Ties a Sweater around Goldblum’s Flannel

Cigar Goldblum

Cigar Goldblum

No Cigar Goldblum

No Cigar Goldblum

Seeing a Dinosaur Goldblum

Seeing a Dinosaur Goldblum

Seeing Dinosaur Poop Goldblum

Seeing Dinosaur Poop Goldblum

Fucking with a T-Rex Goldblum

Fucking with a T-Rex Goldblum

Laughing on Helicopter with Bond Villain Goldblum

Laughing in a Helicopter with Bond Villain Goldblum

Piano Man Goldblum

Piano Man Goldblum

The Stranger Goldblum

The Stranger Goldblum

Pre-coital Goldblum (brunette)

Pre-coital Goldblum (brunette)

Pre-coital Goldblum (blonde)

Pre-coital Goldblum (blonde)

Goldblum mid-coitus

Mid-coital Goldblum

Post-coital Goldblum

Post-coital Goldblum

Post-coital Goldblum (self)

Post-coital Goldblum (self)

Pre-coital-Goldblum (Conan)

Pre-coital-Goldblum (Conan)

Mid-coital Goldblum (Conan)

Mid-coital Goldblum (Conan)

Goldblum post-coital (Conan)

Post-coital Goldblum (Conan)

Explaining why he had to shoot that spider Goldblum

Explaining why he had to shoot that spider Goldblum

Office Drone Goldblum

Office Drone Goldblum

Not the nerdy one Goldblum

Not the nerdy one Goldblum

The nerdy one Goldblum

The nerdy one Goldblum

Dipping Cyndi Lauper Goldblum

Dipping Cyndi Lauper Goldblum

Reluctantly talking on snake phone Goldblum

Reluctantly talking on snake phone Goldblum

Calling shotgun with Peter Falk Goldblum

Calling shotgun with Peter Falk Goldblum

Getting a hand Goldblum

Getting a hand Goldblum

Getting handsy Goldblum

Getting handsy Goldblum

Trying to act casual with bikini models Goldblum

Trying to act casual with bikini models Goldblum

Failing to act casual Goldblum

Failing to act casual Goldblum

Pointing forward Goldblum (no glasses)

Pointing forward Goldblum (no glasses)

Looking to the right and pointing forward Goldblum (no glasses)

Looking to the right and pointing forward Goldblum (no glasses)

Goldblum points forward (glasses)

Goldblum points forward (glasses)

Looking to the right and pointing forward Goldblum (glasses)

Looking to the right and pointing forward Goldblum (glasses)

Tugs front of pants while bending down Goldblum

Tugs front of pants while bending down Goldblum

Guess who's coming to dinner? Goldblum!

Guess who’s coming to dinner? Goldblum!

Passed out on your couch Goldblum

Passed out on your couch Goldblum

Goldblum has magic hair

Goldblum has magic hair

Because he is a Magic man!

Because he is a Magic man!

 

Got a Goldblum? Send it to us or tweet it to us @SlumberPartyMov with the hashtag #gotagoldblum

BTW, this can also be done with Geena Davis? Don’t believe me? Check out exhibits A and B:

Bang!

Bang!

BOOM!

BOOM!

4 responses to “Goldblum Will Save The Internet

  1. Goldblum reads everything!

  2. Pingback: Goldblum ALERT! | slumber party movies

  3. Pingback: What? Another Goldblum alert? | slumber party movies

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