Category Archives: Miscellany

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Another “Feminism Happened” Life Lesson from the Better Off Dead Mom.

To be honest, this was not exactly inspired by Better Off Dead. It was inspired by those women…you know Those Women. The ones who are always on Facebook posting things like, “I just spent all afternoon deep-frying BLTs and cleaning the dishwasher for My Man. Isn’t My Man lucky?” When I see one of those posts, my first thought is, “Bitch, didn’t you vote for Hilary?” My second thought is, “You made those deep-fried BLTs for Your Man? What the fuck did you eat? Did you get a sandwich, or were you happy to watch Your Man enjoy the fruits of your labor while sustaining yourself on whatever bits of water-logged food you found in the dishwasher drain?” My third thought is, “Since I actually made that whole deep-fried BLT thing up, should I patent that or what?”

Terribly Sorry.

Recently, on Facebook, I suggested that maybe this whole Don’t Call it Frisco thing is a bit antiquated. I mean the whole thing started with Herb Caen’s book Don’t Call it Frisco, which was published in 1953 and was inspired by something a local judge said in 1918. 1918! Isn’t it time to let it go? Apparently not. My husband, and other native San Franciscans, are highly insulted. I understand insult. I’m from NH. Our State Flower looks like a vagina. That’s a lot to live down. So I would like to sincerely apologize to native San Franciscans who I have insulted by bringing this up. And because this is Slumber Party, I have done so by changing key words in this classic Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie bit.  You’re welcome.

GET OUT.

As Melinda mentioned on Monday, I’m in the process of moving. And I’m not just moving–I’m moving into a house that we bought. We own it. It’s ours. We could tear down all the walls and build a shrine to Our Lady of Guadalupe out of ice cream in the sunroom, and no one could say boo about it.

Thus far, Cindy’s been nothing but the sunny, adorable self we fell in love with on our first visit. She’s even given us gifts like original blueprints (architect: Hymen Rosenthal) and a hand-painted mural. But given that I am me and she is she and we are all together, I can’t help but wonder if she’s going to say something really awful some day, and send our entire family screaming into the street with horror.

Cindy’s a mid century, and she has no eyes. I checked.

Despite “Amityville Horror”‘s maybe-true, maybe-isn’t infamy , and that it’s the worst homeowner nightmare pretty much ever, this post isn’t about the original movie. It’s about the sequel, “Amityville Horror 2: The Possession,” which came out in 1982, and stars Jack Magner as the Evil Son, who you may recognize as Young Serviceman in “Firestarter.” I don’t specifically remember that character, but I’ll bet he was very evil before little Charlie incinerated his ass.

On a late night in 1984, on the white sectional of the Stowinsky’s family room–one wall of which was decorated with an autumnal mill mural–Jenny, Jamie, Samantha (my sister) and I settled in for another night of satellite and videos. (Jenny and Jamie’s parents not only had a dish, but they also owned a video store and didn’t care what we watched, as long as it wasn’t out of the back room. How’s that for a friend score?) Among those videos is one you’ll be seeing this Friday, which is forever associated with “Amityville Horror 2” in my head.

We all knew the story of the original movie, but had never seen it (i.e., I didn’t know there was a demonic pig with my name in it), so what else would we watch? Turns out “Amityville Horror 2: The Possession” is about the original family that lived in the house, which was the only true part of the whole Amityville saga:  On November 13, 1974, 23-year-old Ronald DeFeo, Jr., shot and killed his father, mother, two brothers, and two sisters. (Creepily, that was my dad’s birthday, and probably the night I was conceived.) “Amityville Horror 2” suggests that the house itself–built on an Indian burial ground, of course–pulled an Overlook on the kid and made him do it.

This is what a possessed murderer looks like, right before exploding.

Possession aside, there’s a scene in the movie where a young man shoots his entire family, especially taking his time with his sister, for whom he had an unnatural attraction. Then there’s a thing with a priest and a swelling head and an exploding body, but that’s pretty aside the point from there’s a scene in the movie where a young man shoots his entire family.

Jamie and I slept in Jenny’s room that night, on the floor (Samantha and Jenny shared her double bed). Nightmares plagued me; I don’t remember any one specifically, except I’m guessing they mostly involved my entire family getting shot by someone. At around 4:30 AM–I was crying at that point–Samantha woke up and asked what was wrong. I said I couldn’t sleep. And she invited me to get into bed with her.

I crawled up into the bed, still crying, and in a single greatest act of big sisterly heroism since the Great Booboo-Kissing of 1980, she shushed me, pulled Jenny’s blanket over me, remarking that it looked just like Grandma’s pink blanket, and spooned me until I fell asleep. Thusly, a night that began in familial terror ended with one of the best examples of sisterly caring I ever experienced, and even in my worst moments with Samantha–and we had some doozies–I think of snuggling under that pink blanket with her, thoughts of psychotic sons and exploding priests shushed away, Brownie the hamster cheerfully jogging away in his wheel.

And that’s what a slumber party’s all about, folks.

P.S. Samantha and I watched our way through nearly every horror movie in Video 99, some of them several times (“The Omen” for when we wanted a really good scare) but avoided “The Possession” like one would avoid, say, a possession. Finally, my sophomore year in college, we agreed than ten years was long enough, and watched it again. It was utterly unscary in its terribleness. The same night, we rented “Audrey Rose,” and let me tell you: if you’re in the mood for movies about possession and dead kids, that’s the one to pick.

Top Ten Slumber Party Movie Bad Guys

Here are the top 10 Slumber Party Movie bad guys in order from Mild to Wild for your easy reference. (And before you say it, yes, you sort of forgot that Lee Ving was in Flashdance and you TOTALLY forgot Leif Garrett was in The Outsiders. That’s okay. That’s what we’re here for.)

Morris Day
Weapons: Jerome. Pimp Cane.
Enemies: The Kid. Humidity.
Weakness: Apollonia

Johnny C
Weapons: Cecil. Toothpick.
Enemies: Richie Blazik. Pittsburgh Blue Laws.
Weakness: Alex’s Ass.

Melvin P. Thorpe
Weapons: A camera. The ‘truth’. A catchy tune.
Enemies: Hookers with hearts of gold and the sheriffs who love them
Weakness: Pants without an elastic waistband. A stiff wind.

Roy Stalin
Weapons: Skis. Blonde hair.
Enemies: Lane Meyer. Charles De Mar. Chapped lips.
Weakness: Going that way…really fast.

Balmudo
Weapons: Chopper. Acne scars.
Enemies: The T-Birds. That guy (whoever he is).
Weaknesses: Cha Cha. Guys who learned to ride a motorcycle after school…before their tutoring job.

Cobra Kai
Weapons: Jiu Jitsu. Headbands. Dirty tricks.
Enemies: Daniel-san. Guns.
Weakness: Waxing on and waxing off.

Count Tyrone Rugen
Weapons: Sword. Glove. Horse. Sharp tongue.
Enemies. Peasants. Fathers.
Weakness: Vengeful sons.

Bob Sheldon
Weapons: Madras. Trust fund. Fountain.
Enemies: Two Bit. Ponyboy.
Weakness: Switchblades. Doing it for Johnny.

Nomi Malone
Weapons: Stairs. Buns of steel.
Enemies: Hos with more stage time than her. Rapists. Hep C.
Weakness: Potato chips. Tight tops. Italian names. Acting.

Paperboy
Weapons: Sweet bike. Switchblade comb.
Enemies: Pay-you-later types.
Weakness: None.

Other Lessons Learned From Better Off Dead

Sure we all know the big lessons learned from Better Off Dead–all French girls are hot, all blonde people are evil, all cartoon hamburgers are David Lee Roth. And those lessons are great. But here are some other important nuggets of wisdom from BOD.

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Not so much a lesson as a Holiday Wish

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Yinz’r Killin’ Dad, in the Living Room, With the NOISE!

I subscribe to a YouTube channel called “Pittsburgh Dad.” It’s a Burgh thing, but even if you don’t have the deep appreciation/hate of the Pittsburgh accent like I do, you’ll still love this. It’s like he made it just for us.

Five Inappropriate Children’s Songs

We were children of the 80s. We had cable, and we had VCRs, and we had parents who really didn’t give a fuck sometimes. And so we learned these songs young, and sometime later–maybe in college, when thinking about things that happened 10 years ago was suddenly cool, but before anyone called it retro?–we actually listened to the songs and couldn’t believe our parents let us listen.

Now that we have children, of course, we laugh and laugh when they think “a spoon up your nose” is a funny joke, instead of an actual spoon.

Billy Joel’s “Big Shot”

I was absolutely flabbergasted when I first moved to New York and realized Elaine’s was an actual place.

Lil Sheridan’s “Dangerously”

I still know the whole dance. I performed it for my toddler when we watched this back at Christmas. She clapped and said “Mommy’s dancing!” and my husband wondered if the material was appropriate.

“Summer Lovin'”

When John Travolta talks about bowling at 1:43, the hand gesture he makes is totally not about bowling. It still makes me kegel.

Appolonia’s “Sex Shooter”

I wasn’t allowed to watch Purple Rain when it first came out–one of the only restricted movies, mostly due to the car accident my mom nearly had the first time “Erotic City” penetrated her radio. So this one’s for Melinda and Karen, who still dream of the day when they can get the band back together and perform it live onstage. Preferably with Morris Day in the audience.

“Greased Lightning”

We knew he said bad words like “tit” and “shit,” but my parents loved it so much that we listened to the album until it looked like a cat had attacked it. What I didn’t hear were the choice phrases “get off my rocks” and “pussywagon.” Additionally: if someone understands the Saran Wrap, please explain.

Golden Slumbers, Robin Gibb.

First Donna Summer and now Robin Gibb. And like Donna, I guess you wouldn’t think of Robin as a Slumber Party Movie icon…unless you remembered that The Bee Gees co-starred in the 70’s Beatlesploition flick, Sgt Pepper’s Lonley Heart’s Club Band.

“Wait…what? Co-Starred? How could that be possible? They don’t act.”

Because there wasn’t any dialogue in the movie. To quote The Kids in the Hall, don’t let that scare you, let that free you.

“No dialogue?”

None…unless you count the narration by George Burns.

“George Burns?! Are you effing kidding me?”

Come on. Mellow out. A man has died. Here watch these videos, and all will be clear…er. Also, please note the sweet bit of acting Robin does at the end, shaking his head as if to say, “Nah man. Just let him go.” But not actually saying it. No dialogue.

Get Back Robin! Oh Billy Preston, we need your funky, zappy finger of power now more than ever.

Donna Summer…A Slumber Party Tribute

Those who don’t think of of Donna Summer as a Slumber Party icon have never roller-skated indoors. They have also never seen Thank God It’s Friday the 1978 it-happened-one-night movie starring Donna as a disco princess who charms a deejay, lights up the dance floor and upstages The Commodores. So, she’s playing herself.

Also watch for a young Debra Winger, and even younger Terri Nunn, the girl who played Doris in Fame (the TV show) and an evil Jeff Goldblum yelling at a gorilla in an elevator.

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Doggy Chow

Dogchow

Dang it, Lerlenes*! I meant to post something about the April Fool’s Day Showgirls marathon on Logo, but I was but I was too busy trying to figure out which Shakespearean witch created Joe Eszterhas in her cauldron (I’m going with the ugly one). Here. I’ll make it up to you with this picture of two supposedly sentient women talking about eating dog food.

*In my mind, three women read this blog. They are all named Lerlene.