Any Slumber Party that ever featured teens partying, singing for no reason, a bizarre joke that seemed to come out of left field (ahem Better Off Dead) or a cameo by an older comedian owes a debt to The Beach Movies of the 60s. Any spunky actress, brunette or otherwise, owes a debt to Annette Funicello for paving the way. Oh…and those other Italian Americans running around the beach these days? They’ve got nothing to do with her. Aloha, Annette. We always knew who the real Big Kahuna was.
There are tons of people on the interwebs who are wrong and will not STFU about it. Or as I call them, jerkwads. But, is it just me, or have they been even wronger lately? I think they have. Especially the people who make up facts about Hitler so they can compare him to Obama. They are just so verbose and so, so wrong. It reminded me of the scene between late great Peter Falk and Kermit in The Great Muppet Caper. A lot of jerkwads are wrong, but if they sit on your park bench and get in your face about it, just send them this video.
Lerlenes*! There were lots of happy Christmas posts I was planning for you before the entire world got horribly sad. By the way, stop posting pictures of Santa crying. It’s not helping. Speaking of helping…here I am with a Goldblumism for anyone who is waging a battle on Facebook right now.
Oh, I’m just not ready for a full-on Big Chill post. Sorry. When that movie came out I was barely a teenager. It was about old people and old people problems. Now I am seven years older than the characters in that movie. (Except for Jennifer Tilly’s character of course.) I’m going to need one hell of a rationalization to get through that!
*When I picture my audience, there are four of you and you are all named Lerlene.
Have you ever remembered a movie from your childhood, but it was so weird that you thought to yourself, “Wait…did that really happen, or did I do a lot of peyote as a child? Was that an actual movie, or something my mind created to block out the memory of fourth grade PE class?” As a public service, Slumber Party Movies will solve those cinematic mysteries for you…one botched-rope-climb replaced memory at a time.
The first “Wait…Did that Really Happen?” is the one where that guy creates a line of jeans with the ass cheeks cut out that sweeps the nation because it turns out, no one really wants their pants to actually cover their asses. Was this a hallucinogenic-fueled mental-break or actual movie? ACTUAL MOVIE. Yes! So Fine came out in 1981…and that guy? He was played with relentless maleness by Ryan O’Neal. Don’t believe me? Here is the evidence.
ACTUAL MOVIE. Yes! So Fine came out in 1981…and that guy? He was played with relentless maleness by Ryan O’Neal. Don’t believe me? Here is the evidence.
Let’s Have a Kiki isn’t a retro video,but this summer’s gay anthem from one of my all time favorite bands, The Scissor Sisters. But really, what slumber party would be complete without this video? It has everything that you could possibly need: Faux drag queens, comedic spoken word opening, train stories, British voice-overs, bras as clothing, simple but awesome dance moves, onscreen lyrics, fabulousness, hot tambourine dudes, codpieces, cool new lingo and lots of swearing. Which reminds me, it’s NSFW because MTA stands for mother f%$ckers touching my ass!
This is for those of you who noticed something oddly familiar about the creepy KGB guy who was spying on Greggy and Mikhail’s bromantic dance routine in the video clip I posted yesterday. This clip is from one of the many James Bond movies that can be be considered a Slumber Party movie, Never Say Never Again (hint: most of them were made in the 80s). I think you’ll find it even creepier than the White Nights one because, really, when you’re jazzercizing with your gay bff in matching unitards and leg warmers, the last thing you want on the other side of the two-way mirror is a blonde guy with an even blonder face mole and bunch of surveillance equipment. A minute and fifteen minutes or pure ick. Enjoy!
If you are one of my friends, I’ve already forced you to watch this many times–Clockwork Orange style. If you aren’t, you probably aren’t reading this blog. Just in case you are, this is a reminder that no one has moves like Gregory Hines…even Mikhail. It’s also a reminder that we should all dance like no one is watching…except a creepy KGB agent with a closed-circuit spy cam and a two-way mirror. (Can I get that printed on a t-shirt?) Oh…and watch at 1:42 for a sweet fight dance into jazz run combo that will make you glad you stumbled onto this blog.
This scene from John Hughes’ Weird Science deserves a tribute for its epic greatness, but also because, since Gary’s pimp character would not pass modern PC standards, a scene like this would not be made today. So it’s not PC…does that mean that it can’t be EPIC? I don’t think so. Let’s remember one thing–Lisa is magic. She has magic powers. She uses them to outfit herself, Wyatt and Gary in the finest prom wear that the 80s had to offer, but instead of using those magic powers to go on a Ferris-Buelleresque tippy-tappy champagne and foie gras tour of only the cuntiest penthouses in the Chicago skyline, Lisa conjures up pink Cadillac so they can cruise to the South Side and drink Blind-Dog Bourbon at a blues bar straight out of a Jim Croce song. Privileged white boys? In the South Side of Chicago? Hilarity surely will ensue, right? Right. But it mostly comes from the common ground that Gary finds with the malakas at The Kandy Bar. And maybe that was what Lisa was trying to teach Gary. He wasn’t the first one to go crazy for a big set of titties. He wasn’t the only guy in the world to get kneed in the family jewels. It was not just him and Wyatt against the slushie-throwing (no, Glee did not invent that) Robert Downeys of the world. He was not alone. And perhaps that was Lisa’s magic. Or perhaps it’s just a funny scene in a funny movie. Either way, enjoy.
Extra Credit: Is it possible that the Kids in the Hall sketch “Mississippi Gary” was not based on Mississippi Fred McDowell, as previously thought, but on Gary’s un-PC pimp character? Discuss.
Or to be more accurate, it 25 years ago last Saturday that Guns N’ Roses released Appetite for Destruction. Now, I know that Welcome to the Jungle might be the obvious choice for this week’s Friday Morning Videos, but I’ve got my reasons. Two of them. And they both involve the first 10 seconds of the video. First of all, come on! How can you NOT be impressed that the first act of a hair-metal video inspired a cheese-filled Broadway musical and an equally fromagey star-studded movie, nearly a quarter of a century later. That’s a lot of cheddar.
Second, it probably took less than an hour and forty bucks to film the “sweet, innocent Axl Rose gets off the bus” scene. I’m sure the actor they got to play The Hustler got paid in hair grease and Marlboro reds. Axl borrowed that suitcase from Slash’s mom (I assume). That just leaves the cost of sending an intern to the Ho Store for a slutty ho and slutty hose. Think about it. For the price of a fringed jacket on the clearance rack at Wilson’s, this video did something amazing. At the beginning (the beginning for Christ’s sake) of the LA metal scene, they summed the whole thing up in a package neater than whatever sock-and-duct-tape combo Axl shoved down the front of his plastic pleather trousers. “There will be hustlers waiting to take your shit as soon as you get off the bus, but hot damn! The chicks are super slutty!”
Happy Friday the 13th! I don’t know about you, but on special days like this, my mind turns to thoughts of Jason Voorhees. One of my favorite Friday the 13th movies is Jason X–or as I like to call it “Jason in Space!” I don’t love this flick because it’s good…because it’s not. And I don’t just love it because it’s Jason…in space. Even though it is. I love it because after years of stabbing bitches in the head with a machete (except for Friday the 13th 3 in 3D, when he switched to spears, darts and long “coming at ya” weapons…for some reason), Jason went into space. Space! Did you ever go to space? Probably not. And not only does he go into space, but he fucks shit up there. Watch this trailer…see that? At the end…when the mother fucking space station explodes? Jason did that. Little, head-stabbing Jason blew up a mother fucking SPACE STATION!* Brings a tear to my eye.
*It should be noted that Jason accidentally blew up the space station while stabbing a bitch with a machete, but still….
From stabbing horn-dog counselors at Camp Crystal Lake to this. Sniff.