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Tuesday Tribute: Best Drinking Scene in a Teen Comedy

This scene from John Hughes’ Weird Science deserves a tribute for its epic greatness, but also because, since Gary’s pimp character would not pass modern PC standards, a scene like this would not be made today. So it’s not PC…does that mean that it can’t be EPIC? I don’t think so. Let’s remember one thing–Lisa is magic. She has magic powers. She uses them to outfit herself, Wyatt and Gary in the finest prom wear that the 80s had to offer, but instead of using those magic powers to go on a Ferris-Buelleresque tippy-tappy champagne and foie gras tour of only the cuntiest penthouses in the Chicago skyline, Lisa conjures up pink Cadillac so they can cruise to the South Side and drink Blind-Dog Bourbon at a blues bar straight out of a Jim Croce song. Privileged white boys? In the South Side of Chicago? Hilarity surely will ensue, right? Right. But it mostly comes from the common ground that Gary finds with the malakas at The Kandy Bar. And maybe that was what Lisa was trying to teach Gary. He wasn’t the first one to go crazy for a big set of titties. He wasn’t the only guy in the world to get kneed in the family jewels. It was not just him and Wyatt against the slushie-throwing (no, Glee did not invent that) Robert Downeys of the world. He was not alone. And perhaps that was Lisa’s magic. Or perhaps it’s just a funny scene in a funny movie. Either way, enjoy.

Extra Credit: Is it possible that the Kids in the Hall sketch “Mississippi Gary” was not based on Mississippi Fred McDowell, as previously thought, but on Gary’s un-PC pimp character? Discuss.

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It was 25 years ago today…

Or to be more accurate, it 25 years ago last Saturday that Guns N’ Roses released Appetite for Destruction. Now, I know that Welcome to the Jungle might be the obvious choice for this week’s Friday Morning Videos, but I’ve got my reasons. Two of them. And they both involve the first 10 seconds of the video. First of all, come on! How can you NOT be impressed that the first act of a hair-metal video inspired a cheese-filled Broadway musical and an equally fromagey star-studded movie, nearly a quarter of a century later. That’s a lot of cheddar.

Second, it probably took less than an hour and forty bucks to film the “sweet, innocent Axl Rose gets off the bus” scene. I’m sure the actor they got to play The Hustler got paid in hair grease and Marlboro reds. Axl borrowed that suitcase from Slash’s mom (I assume). That just leaves the cost of sending an intern to the Ho Store for a slutty ho and slutty hose. Think about it. For the price of a fringed jacket on the clearance rack at Wilson’s, this video did something amazing. At the beginning (the beginning for Christ’s sake) of the LA metal scene, they summed the whole thing up in a package neater than whatever sock-and-duct-tape combo Axl shoved down the front of his plastic pleather trousers. “There will be hustlers waiting to take your shit as soon as you get off the bus, but hot damn! The chicks are super slutty!”

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Friday the 13

Happy Friday the 13th! I don’t know about you, but on special days like this, my mind turns to thoughts of Jason Voorhees. One of my favorite Friday the 13th movies is Jason X–or as I like to call it “Jason in Space!” I don’t love this flick because it’s good…because it’s not. And I don’t just love it because it’s Jason…in space. Even though it is. I love it because after years of stabbing bitches in the head with a machete (except for Friday the 13th 3 in 3D, when he switched to spears, darts and long “coming at ya” weapons…for some reason), Jason went into space. Space! Did you ever go to space? Probably not. And not only does he go into space, but he fucks shit up there. Watch this trailer…see that? At the end…when the mother fucking space station explodes? Jason did that. Little, head-stabbing Jason blew up a mother fucking SPACE STATION!* Brings a tear to my eye.

*It should be noted that Jason accidentally blew up the space station while stabbing a bitch with a machete, but still….

From stabbing horn-dog counselors at Camp Crystal Lake to this. Sniff.

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Is Everybody Ready to Do it?

Consider the following lyric from the song Let’s Do it For Our Country featured in the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man of Slumber Party movies, Grease 2, and written by musical genius and snappy dresser, Rob Hegel (who wants you to know about his “other” credits and see his full length glamour shot where he casually wears a dress shirt ).

Yeah, let’s do it for our country, the red, white, and the blue.
It’s Uncle Sam who’s asking, so your mother will approve.
Tomorrow I’ll be fighting, and I’ll win this war for you.
Let’s do it for our country, our country wants us to.

And now watch this life-changing (Yes! Life-changing! Well…at least for those of us who couldn’t get out to beloved-by-the-masses Broadway shows back in the 80s) performance by Maureen “Doris Finsecker” Teefy and Peter “That Guy From That Thing” Frechette.

Let's Do It For Our Country

Sh! Your mother don’t even have to know about it!
(Click to watch)

Happy Independence Day. I’ll leave you with the following quotes.

“I just did it and I’m ready to do it again!”

–Mel Brooks. History of the World Part 1

“What are you doing Louis? Get off of me!”

–Maureen Teefy. Grease 2.

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Andy Griffith RIP …. Slumber Party Style.

Another very sad Tuesday Tribute as Andy Griffith has just died at the tender age of 86. I’m willing to bet that there was never a slumber party that featured a Matlock marathon (and if there were, I would not want to be at that party). But you just know that some slumber party somewhere put this comedic gem into the old dvd player. Spy Hard features Andy Griffith as a crazed general intent on ruling, or ruining, the world. This trailer actually acts as a tribute not just to Andy, but also the ridiculously funny, Leslie Nielson and Ray Charles in a brilliant cameo as the bus driver in the Speed bit. But the funniest line in this trailer goes to the late, great Pat Morita who says, “Well I like to wear loose fitting clothes, and I drive a 69 Pinto” with so much comedic brilliance, that he wins the “Aw…I can’t believe he’s dead!” award for most missed celebrity in the Spy Hard trailer. (No small feat, Morita!)

Now, I realize that General Rancor is not the role Andy wanted to be remembered for, but then again…maybe it was. … Uh…no. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. My apologies to Mr. Griffith’s family.

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Happy Birthday, Glenn Close!

Maybe some people don’t think of Glenn Close as a Slumber Party Movie icon, but I do…for two reasons. Number one, she did coke with William Hurt in The Big Chill. Boom! Right there. Icon status. Two: Maxie! Now, this movie was by no means a big hit, or a sleeper hit, or a cult hit or any kind of hit at all. But it had Glenn Close saying cute 30s slang like “now you’re cooking with gas”, dressing in Art Deco fashion, singing on pianos and having ghost sex with Mandy Patinkin. Oh and bonus! Her neighbor was Slumber Party Movie Lifetime Achievement nominee, Ruth Gordon. Come to think of it…why wasn’t it a hit? Baffling.