Did Tawny Kitaen Really Have Bubble Sex with Bruno Martelli?

Bubble Sex Foreplay looks like this.

Bubble Sex Foreplay looks like this.

Nope. You did not dream it after drinking a wee bit too much Windex. There was a Boy in the Bubble movie starring Lee Curreri (from Fame fame) as a young millionaire* with a rare disease that requires he live in a crystal room for some reason and Tawny Kitaen as a rock star with a promising career despite her apparent lack of talent and stylist. Here, see for yourself. Watch for a lot of hairography and an extremely literal visual representation of the cliche “icing on the cake”.

But the heart of the insane 80s nightmare that is Corazon de Cristal is The Love Scene. Yes. By love I mean sex. Here it is. All nine NSFW** minutes of it. But first, here are some things to watch for:

1. An immediate sleazy mustache off. (You choose the winner.)

2. Okay. You know of  my complete and total faith in anyone connected to Fame, AKA The Best Dance Movie Ever, so I’m sure the director of Crystal Heart, Gil Bettman***, specifically instructed Lee to act like a thirteen year old boy whose Activision privileges had been taken away. … So stop being so judgmental.

3. Lee with a heart-breaking sadness so deep even Pac Man and Solid Gold can’t cure it.

4. Tawny kisses a stuffed dog for some reason.

5.Indoor flamingo.

6.Tawny smokes, yells at her dog (probably not stuffed), and literally cries over spilled milk.

7. Tawny dancing like a reject from a Debbie Gibson video–her badness amplified by the fact that she is dancing next to a Debbie-Gibson-video caliber dancer.

8. Tawny is out acted by her matching purse and giant hair-bow accessory.

9. Tawny is out acted by her own bare ta-tas. (I did mention that this is NSFW.)

Where's that squeegee guy?

Where’s that squeegee guy?

10. The funniest sex scene ever in which Lee and Tawny rub up against the crystal walls of the disease containment cube…to completion. Ew. Yes.  Between teh Whitesnake video and this, Tawny had pigeon holed herself as an actress who would have  sex with inanimate objects. Spiegelmama has a theory that she had a squeegee guy on retainer.

Okay. Get ready to take notes–this will be on the quiz. Pencils at the ready…and go!

* All the boys in the “Boy in a Bubble” movies have rich parents…or else they would’ve been Dead Poor Kid movies.

**If Tawny’s ta-tas cause this to be taken off of Youtube, please contact admin@slumberpartymovies.com

*** Yes. That Gil Beckman. The man who solidified the Douchumentary genre with his offering The Long Road to Cabo: Sammy Hagar and the Waboritas

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Kermit’s response to someone who is 100% Wrong, and won’t shut up about it.

There are tons of people on the interwebs who are wrong and will not STFU about it. Or as I call them, jerkwads. But, is it just me, or have they been even wronger lately? I think they have. Especially the people who make up facts about Hitler so they can compare him to Obama. They are just so verbose and so, so wrong. It reminded me of the scene between late great Peter Falk and Kermit in The Great Muppet Caper. A lot of jerkwads are wrong, but if they sit on your park bench and get in your face about it, just send them this video.

Friday Morning Videos: When The Going Gets Tough

This video brought to you by our weekly Friday Morning Videos sponsor, the JCC of Squirrel Hill.

Like any good New Year’s resolver, I headed for the gym this morning, and did not disappoint myself: 20 minutes on the bike, followed by 40 minutes wandering around circuit machines, trying to decide which to use and how to use them. My regular workout soundtrack–NPR’s Morning Edition and Marketplace–was interrupted for this delight coming from JCCTV, who, if you’ll remember, also brought us Debbie Gibson and Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon.

Not since “St. Elmo’s Fire” has a video so seamlessly tied in a movie and its stars. The Brat Pack only stood in a cold alley and grooved with ennui. Billy Ocean, however, has the music mojo to get three of the 80s’ biggest stars to be Motown-style backup singers. And they do it with such sincerity and panache that one can only sit back and wish we’d been at the wrap party.

The video opens up with Jack telling Joan he’s going to kill her, which means that, even though it’s a sequel, they’re still in love and have fantastic sex. Then we transition to your typical concert video, only this one features Billy Ocean instead of Bon Jovi. We see his ensemble band–horn section, keyboardist, guitarist, drumset… and off to the side, the backs of his backup singers, nattily clad in white tuxedos.

Sneaky!

Sneaky!

Then, at minute 1:18… BAM. Faster than a Colombian mudslide, Kathleen Turner, Danny DeVito, and Michael Douglas spin about and break into full choreography. They’re Billy Ocean’s White Knights.

THE Joan Wilder?

THE Joan Wilder?

Danny DeVito, I get. He’d do anything less boring than watching his hairline recede. And Kathleen Turner clearly harbored a secret dream to be a Ronette. But Michael Douglas? He was already a producer and director and movie star and totally sexy in a Harrison Ford way, except without the indigestion. He’s not as comfortable with dancing, but he demonstrates exactly WHY Jack was such a great character: because the ultimate romantic hero is fun.

They didn’t have to do the video. They had plenty of star power, and money, and the movie was a “Jewel of the Nile,” a less-than-awesome, but still awfully fun, sequel, to “Romancing the Stone,” which is, hands-down, the best romantic adventure ever filmed. Maybe it’s because there are only like five out there, but still. That’s saying something.

I wasn't the only one disappointed when he went for Melanie Griffith.

I wasn’t the only one disappointed when he went for Melanie Griffith.

So I leave you with two lessons from this video, to ring in your New Year: When the going gets tough, the tough get going, and the tough also get rough. And if you get an opportunity to do something completely shameless, that puts you at risk for public humiliation and is outside your working skill set: do it. And when you do it, think of Danny DeVito.

I don't often play the saxophone, but when I do, I wear sunglasses.

I don’t often play saxophones, but when I do, I wear sunglasses.

P.S. If you’d like your own Colombian mudslide, go to Applebee’s and snort cocaine off the drinks menu.

The Genius Who Directed Xanadu…

Lerlines! Here is your first freaky film fact for 2013. The guy behind those super-smart documentaries, Outfoxed, Steal This Movie and Walmart: The High Cost of Low Price is the same guy who directed Xanadu.

This guy. Robert Greenwald.

A complicated man and no one understands him but this woman.

A complicated man and no one understands him but this woman.

This doesn’t freak me out at all. It makes perfect sense to me. He is my hero and not just for making Michael Beck roller-skate without first teaching him to roller-skate.

But also because he proves my theory that intellectual brainy types do not need to constantly prove how damned smart we are. Sometimes we can just sit back and make a movie that makes up for its lack of plot and conflict with an over-abundance of leg warmers…or write a snarky blog about those movies.

Charles Durning Slumber Party Movie Giant. RIP

That’s right. I said it, and I don’t regret it. Don’t believe me? Here’s a video of the dear departed Durning hat dancing in the back of a limo. Suck on that, non-believers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJG75FJkjr8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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Jeff Goldblumism #4567

Lerlenes*! There were lots of happy Christmas posts I was planning for you before the entire world got horribly sad. By the way, stop posting pictures of Santa crying. It’s not helping. Speaking of helping…here I am with a Goldblumism for anyone who is waging a battle on Facebook right now.

Oh, I’m just not ready for a full-on Big Chill post. Sorry. When that movie came out I was barely a teenager. It was about old people and old people problems. Now I am seven years older than the characters in that movie. (Except for Jennifer Tilly’s character of course.) I’m going to need one hell of a rationalization to get through that!

*When I picture my audience, there are four of you and you are all named Lerlene.

Birthday Tribute. Nia Peeples

Happy December 10th! Today is my birthday, but I didn’t even need to click on over to the Dlisted Birthday Sluts to know who my top sluts were. No! Not that slut Kenneth Branaugh. He barely cracks the top five. He falls somewhere between Raven Symone and Meg White. Susan Dey is my number two slut because she is pretty and because she was so bad on The Partridge Family that I kind of worship her for it. How did she stay employed? She barely knew her lines.

Nia "Bangs" Peeples straddles a chair like a boss.

Nia “Bangs” Peeples straddles a chair like a boss.

But, sorry Susan, My number one birthday slut is, and has been since 1984, Miss Nia Peeples. Nia Peeples. She was on Fame. No. Not the movie. The TV show. It was like Glee, but with less money. Here watch:

Click Here, Sluts!

Click Here, Sluts!

First of all, no one rocked a high-cut leotard with a wide belt like Nia. Second, I take it back. Fame was not Glee. It was better than Glee. Glee uses real songs by real professionals. These kids had to shake their leg warmers to original songs written by an eighth grade music class they kept chained in the supply closet at the studio. And they had to make it look good. Not easy.

I know what you’re wondering. You are wondering whatever happened to Nia Peeples. … Because you are stupid. Come on! What do you think happened to her? She’s on a stupid basic cable drama and she’s still hot. Check it.

Oh please, girl. You aren't fit to carry my satin duffle bag.

Back off, beyatch. You aren’t fit to carry my satin duffle bag.

My Favorite Christmas Movie is About a Prostitution Ring in a Morgue

…And that’s the truth, and not just a ploy to get a hit off every Google search ever (but I’m on my way!).

Night Shift is an 80s comedy starring Henry Winkler, Micheal Keaton and Shelley Long and set in New York in December. And it is Christmasy!

Wow! I can't believe I'll be giving a hand job at a swank joint like this!

Wow! I can’t believe I’ll be giving a hand job at a swank joint like this!

Very, very Christmasy, but in a pants-off kind of way.

Aren't you cold? No! I've got a baked potato in my pants. Wait.... Where are my pants?

Aren’t you cold? No! I’ve got a baked potato in my pants. Wait…. Where are my pants?

It’s about a wild and crazy satin-jacket-wearing guy named Bill who makes it his mission in life to make a man out of fellow morgue employee, Chuck. He pulls this off with a massive prostitution ring, keggers, hookers, booze, weed, sex clubs, fist fights, shoot outs, threatened prison rape, the Rolling Stones and erratic driving.

Can you hear this?

Can you hear this?

I know it sounds complicated, but it is actually quite simple. Here. I’ll let Bill explain it.

Got it? Anyways…so our Chuck and Bill run a successful prostitution ring out of a morgue, Chuck becomes a man, and at Christmas time, all the prostitutes pool their hooking money together and they buy Chuck a sweet pimp hat.

Merry Christmas Meester Chuck!

Does this hat make me look pimpy enough?

 

I know it all seems strange, but you need to understand one thing. It was the 80s. How 80s? It was 82. We didn’t give a shit. The trailer that advertised this movie featured Shelley Long smoking an enormous roach.

Be honest. Do you think this will ruin my career?

Be honest. Do you think this will ruin my career?

 

Friday Morning Videos: The Glow

Yesterday morning, I awoke at 7 AM, wide awake, and realized something profound: for the third day in a row, no toddlers had awoken me in the night. And I’d gone to sleep at 10 PM. This meant one of two things: either I could get up and go to work early, or I could actually use the gym membership that had been languishing for two months.

Oh, sure: I’d been to the JCC once a week, to get Eliza swimming with other kids. And we’d used it a few times for the playroom. But I had yet to utilize the $35-a-month CenterFit Platinum membership I bought for myself, which allowed me into the 18-and-over locker room. It’s like first class for gym-goers.

On this morning, I had no more excuses, and opted for the gym. And, it turns out, the gym has just been waiting for me to show up. It’s been just sitting there, looking at the door every time it opens, thinking, “Dang it! That’s not Jody! I have all these THINGS just for her, and she’s not coming!”

I have a labral tear in my hip, which sounds much worse and much dirtier than it actually is. My physical therapist prescribed the exercise bike to me, which instantly made me think, “Oh, yippee. The best aerobic exercise for me is the one that’s lobe-splittingly boring.” But… the JCC knew this about me. And it was waiting with an exercise bike that has a built-in video game. Like with steering and gear changes and other cyclists, and a landscape that could be Cambodia, or maybe Peru, and every once in awhile the geeks that wrote the software–because, let’s face it, if it’s got a computer chip it crossed the desk of a geek at some point–programmed in little supportive messages. Like “Keep going!” and “You’re doing great!” and also “Never give up! Never surrender!” and “Do or do not. There is no try!”

My exercise bike quoted “Galaxy Quest” and Yoda to me.

Never give up. Never surrender.

Never give up. Never surrender.

After working up a good sweat on the bike, I headed downstairs to the weight room. Allow me to interrupt myself and say that the median age of JCC clientele is about 58, and that’s including all the toddlers taking classes. It’s kind of demoralizing for a 37-year-old woman who once ran a half marathon: dude, she’s in better shape than me, and she probably only has one unreplaced joint in her body. That said, I think I fit right in, as the coffee I’d had pre-workout was now beginning to repeat on me in a rather painful way.

So I figured, at this point, I’ll do my hip exercises, lift a few dumbbells to work my biceps and triceps, and head back. “Only in My Dreams” played during my hip exercises, which cracked me up, especially because the two guys under 50 were totally big tattooed dudes spotting each other on the benches, and I just know one of them was silently jamming in his head.

Then, halfway through a tricep exercise, this song came on.

The music couldn’t have motivated me more had it been “You’re the Best Around.” I’d never heard any song from “Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon” in the gym, no less the “The Glow,” which, in a brilliant 80s twist, is a preparation montage including montages from other movies. (FYI, this clip is a montage of clips from the movie, but the actual song starts the way it shows here.)

It’s a meta-montage, powered by Bruce Lee, Daddy Green’s Pizza, and Barry Gordy, and as a result, I now feel pleasantly sore, endorphins are high, and I could totally kick Shonuff’s ass.

** Yes, I will be doing an in-depth “Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon” post.

Trapped by “Trapped in the Closet”

Does R. Kelly’s epic “Trapped in the Closet” series count as a slumber party movie? I think it does, when IFC runs them all in a row. So I’ll share my Storified live tweet:

Trapped, Part 3: The live tweetfest · Storify.

My favorite character is Pimp Lucius, for reasons both outlined in the Storify and demonstrated in this video.

Somebody grab Lucille and turn her ass around, would you?