Nope. You did not dream it after drinking a wee bit too much Windex. There was a Boy in the Bubble movie starring Lee Curreri (from Fame fame) as a young millionaire* with a rare disease that requires he live in a crystal room for some reason and Tawny Kitaen as a rock star with a promising career despite her apparent lack of talent and stylist. Here, see for yourself. Watch for a lot of hairography and an extremely literal visual representation of the cliche “icing on the cake”.
But the heart of the insane 80s nightmare that is Corazon de Cristal is The Love Scene. Yes. By love I mean sex. Here it is. All nine NSFW** minutes of it. But first, here are some things to watch for:
1. An immediate sleazy mustache off. (You choose the winner.)
2. Okay. You know of my complete and total faith in anyone connected to Fame, AKA The Best Dance Movie Ever, so I’m sure the director of Crystal Heart, Gil Bettman***, specifically instructed Lee to act like a thirteen year old boy whose Activision privileges had been taken away. … So stop being so judgmental.
3. Lee with a heart-breaking sadness so deep even Pac Man and Solid Gold can’t cure it.
4. Tawny kisses a stuffed dog for some reason.
6.Tawny smokes, yells at her dog (probably not stuffed), and literally cries over spilled milk.
7. Tawny dancing like a reject from a Debbie Gibson video–her badness amplified by the fact that she is dancing next to a Debbie-Gibson-video caliber dancer.
8. Tawny is out acted by her matching purse and giant hair-bow accessory.
9. Tawny is out acted by her own bare ta-tas. (I did mention that this is NSFW.)
10. The funniest sex scene ever in which Lee and Tawny rub up against the crystal walls of the disease containment cube…to completion. Ew. Yes. Between teh Whitesnake video and this, Tawny had pigeon holed herself as an actress who would have sex with inanimate objects. Spiegelmama has a theory that she had a squeegee guy on retainer.
Okay. Get ready to take notes–this will be on the quiz. Pencils at the ready…and go!
* All the boys in the “Boy in a Bubble” movies have rich parents…or else they would’ve been Dead Poor Kid movies.
**If Tawny’s ta-tas cause this to be taken off of Youtube, please contact email@example.com
*** Yes. That Gil Beckman. The man who solidified the Douchumentary genre with his offering The Long Road to Cabo: Sammy Hagar and the Waboritas