In which George Michael has worried parents, wears leather, dances with other leather-clad boys in an alley, and looks disinterested in a skanky woman. How did no one know?
Oh, THIS TV, how I love you. I also love ION, but I especially love THIS TV. It’s like TBS for the great uncabled. Last night, I landed on “Vice Versa,” but despite it being an adorable reminder of Judge Reinhold’s cuteness, I decided to forego it for “Master Chef.” We switched back after they ditched the guy with the worst apple pie, and to my ever-loving gobsmacked eyes, “Making the Grade” came on.
The 80s produced many prep school movies, and like all teen subgenres, had a few wins (“Class” being the best of the best) and lots more flops (“Up the Academy” being the one I remember best; when an 8-year-old knows a movie isn’t funny, it isn’t funny.). Phoebe Cates, of course, starred in roughly half of them, and had sex “From Here to Eternity”-style in “Private School,” sometime after the the aerobics class and topless horseback ride. but in the Rocket house, the very, very favorite, was always “Making the Grade.”
I was worried about watching it; I’ve been disappointed in my adulthood many times by movies I found hilarious in the 80s. (Bachelor Party, I’m looking at you.) The most disappointing thing about re-watching “Making the Grade” was that they left half of it on THIS TV’s floor: most notably, the scene in which Rand (the playboy’s sidekick) teaches street kid Eddie how to dress preppy. I was appalled: the entire point of the movie is to teach us kids how to dress preppy, especially since we didn’t get The Preppy Handbook way down in Greene County. And they cut THIS scene?
Best line: “Socks: Wear them only to weddings, and then, only to your own.” As a kid in the sticks, I was shocked that preppies were not neat and tidy, that they wore clothes too big, shoes too small, and pants too high. OK, I knew about the pants part.
Then there’s the bit part played by Andrew Dice Clay, with his Stayin’ Alive scene; Jonna Lee, who played the drums in Lovelines (another post) and has a spectacular rack, mostly because they’re real. Mr. Carlson plays the headmaster of the school, every guy wears pink, and Dennis Blunden plays the seniors’ “floor model” for demonstrating proper behavior to “smacks.” Also, Judd Nelson says “BREAK DAAAANCE” and then proceeds to do that, in a series of distant shots and closeups of his face.
NOTE: Less enjoyable are the two black characters: one as Palmer’s housekeeper, and the other as Tracy’s footman. No lie. He’s a footman. And the word “massuh” is only slightly silent.
But the real reason to watch “Making the Grade” is Dana Olsen as the real Palmer Woodrow III. I can only assume that he was actually playing himself, because no other reason for his performance makes sense, considering that he never made any other movies. I can’t find the best part–when he gets drunk and returns to the prep school–so you’ll have to TiVO it and forward to the best parts. Just look for the drunk guy shooting wine into Dan Schneider’s mouth from a bota bag.
Factoid: he also co-wrote “The ‘Burbs.” Which, unlike “Bachelor Party,” gets funnier every time I watch it.
I subscribe to a YouTube channel called “Pittsburgh Dad.” It’s a Burgh thing, but even if you don’t have the deep appreciation/hate of the Pittsburgh accent like I do, you’ll still love this. It’s like he made it just for us.
We were children of the 80s. We had cable, and we had VCRs, and we had parents who really didn’t give a fuck sometimes. And so we learned these songs young, and sometime later–maybe in college, when thinking about things that happened 10 years ago was suddenly cool, but before anyone called it retro?–we actually listened to the songs and couldn’t believe our parents let us listen.
Now that we have children, of course, we laugh and laugh when they think “a spoon up your nose” is a funny joke, instead of an actual spoon.
Billy Joel’s “Big Shot”
I was absolutely flabbergasted when I first moved to New York and realized Elaine’s was an actual place.
Lil Sheridan’s “Dangerously”
I still know the whole dance. I performed it for my toddler when we watched this back at Christmas. She clapped and said “Mommy’s dancing!” and my husband wondered if the material was appropriate.
“Summer Lovin'”
When John Travolta talks about bowling at 1:43, the hand gesture he makes is totally not about bowling. It still makes me kegel.
Appolonia’s “Sex Shooter”
I wasn’t allowed to watch Purple Rain when it first came out–one of the only restricted movies, mostly due to the car accident my mom nearly had the first time “Erotic City” penetrated her radio. So this one’s for Melinda and Karen, who still dream of the day when they can get the band back together and perform it live onstage. Preferably with Morris Day in the audience.
“Greased Lightning”
We knew he said bad words like “tit” and “shit,” but my parents loved it so much that we listened to the album until it looked like a cat had attacked it. What I didn’t hear were the choice phrases “get off my rocks” and “pussywagon.” Additionally: if someone understands the Saran Wrap, please explain.
1. Mouth is wearing a Purple Rain shirt through the entire movie. (This was my favorite late-night movie trivia question. I totally stumped my sister on it once.) You would not have noticed this unless a) you watched the movie very closely so as to stump your sister on late-night trivia questions; or b) you are a writer on this blog, and noticed everything with Purple Rain on it.
Siempre hay que separa las drogas.
2. Sloth is a Raiders fan. This is not surprising, as the late great John Matuszak was a Raider; in addition, it’s a pirate, for heaven’s sake, and this is The Goonies. But I’d never noticed he was wearing the t-shirt until last night, and I assume it’s because I’ve never before watched The Goonies in HD. (Five seconds of internet research told me this is an Easter egg, so you may have noticed it, but that would mean you look for Easter eggs and are an even bigger dork than I am.)
Ba-BEE! Ba-BEE!
One last thing to mention: I just noticed something new in The Goonies. That alone makes it one of the greatest movies of all time.
Next time you’re in trouble, call on the Keanu Reeves Mash-Up Bot, which has all the features you’d expect from a Keanu Reeves MUB. He speaks forty languages, including San Dimas, San Diego, and Sanskrit; he stops bullets with his mind, travels in time, and has sex with three-headed sirens. His skills in the courtroom, the bedroom, and hell are unmatched. And he’s all yours for six easy payments of $39.99. (Telephone booth not included.)
NOTE: KR-MUB 2.0 has resolved most of the bugs from KR-MUB 1.0, including the so-called “Volkswagen bug.” Seeing a VW Bug on the street will no longer trigger KR-MUB to launch into Crispin Glover’s “Get down” speech.
Excellent work. You’re a fast reader! But it’s pretty fast-paced, so I’m not surprised it didn’t take long.
We’ve all seen the movie, of course. We love it. Quoth we from it frequently and well, and likely not even realizing that we’re doing it anymore because it’s just what we say. We all love the Vizzini scene. (I have a theory that iocane is actually an inhaled poison, and he was dead before he took a drink.) We all think of the bishop when we go to weddings. We all know a little head-jiggle’s not going to make almost-dead Wesley happy.
Blah, blah, blah. I’m not listing those scenes. You know those scenes. Think of this post a s a longtime viewer’s companion: a guide to the stuff you didn’t notice until the twelfth, or twenty-fourth, or twelfth-squared viewing. Every movie should be good enough to warrant a second viewing, because in the first viewing, you’re only getting the plot points and the highlights. Second viewing, you’re enjoying the dialogue.
By the 144th viewing, though, you should still find something new. (I only recently just noticed that Peter Venkman gets the crap scared out of him by the hotel manager when they go to catch Slimer. Hilarious.) So here are my favorite moments that it took 50+ viewings to find; please add your favorites in the comments. And if it involves a line about storming the castle, it doesn’t count.
5. The Cliffs of Insanity tableau.
I noticed this probably some time during my freshman year of college, while I was taking Intro to Film and knew words like “tableau.” I’m not a huge film geek anymore, but this particular scene is so beautifully constructed that I have to mention it every time, thus annoying my husband every time we watch it.
4. Exiting the Fire Swamp.
It’s not the way they look bedraggled and beat to hell, although that’s part of it. It’s also not entirely Wesley’s WTF look at Buttercup when she’s pleading for his life, although that goes in, too, along with his sidelong glance at Count Rogan. It’s also not “We are men of action. Lies do not become us.” Rather, this is one of only two times where we see Count Rogan have an emotional reaction: when Wesley mentions that he has six fingers on his right hand, Count Rogan’s eye twitches and then he clocks him soundly on the head.
It could be because he was going to shut him up that way, anyway, but I prefer to think that of all the things you could say or do to Count Rogan, you never, EVER mention the sixth finger. Like EVER. And the reason he killed Senõr Montoya was not so he couldn’t pay him, but because Senõr Montoya said, “This is the sword I made you for your six-fingered hand.” And Rogan was all, “WHAT did you say?” *stab*
Sidenote here: Christopher Guest is brilliant in many ways, but he’s most brilliant as a chameleon. It wasn’t until college that I bothered to look at the credits and realized he was actually Count Rogan. He’s unrecognizable as anyone.
3. The Inigo/Fezzik Reunion
It’s not a moment, sure. It’s a scene. But it starts with Inigo recognizing Fezzik because of the size of his hand–which totally makes sense, because Inigo is a swordsman, and he would probably recognize someone’s hand before anything else on their person. It moves on to Inigo counting on his fingers; he’s brilliant, but not very smart, as he’s already told us himself.
And then he says “There will be blood tonight!” Which is rousing, to say the least, but also kind of funny, considering Inigo’s recent lookalike.
2. Inigo Slays Ass in the Hallway.
This was a scene I never fully appreciated until I read the book, because the book’s line is utterly brilliant (and I hope I’m not misquoting): The fourth was dead before the first hit the floor. And by gum, that’s what Rob Reiner filmed. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any YouTube clips that didn’t involve The Man in Black or Count Rogan, so you’ll just have to watch it again.
And drum roll, please….
1. Count Rogan’s First Name is Tyrone.
That’s it. That’s all. Count Rogan’s first name is Tyrone. You can’t beat that with a stick of iocane.
I’ve been dying to get in here and do some posting, but I’ve also been totally doing stuff. Like moving and working at a job where they pay me and everything. But I have been writing, I really have–I have the first four parts of a five-part series on Labyrinth mostly sketched out, for instance. That’s going to be epic–in the true sense of the word, involving quests and to-be-continueds and codpieces, not in the internet meme sense of the word.
I was hoping to get around to starting my Labyrinth series this weekend, but fate intervened. I took the girls* to lunch today at a local spot called Gullifty’s–nondescript from the inside, but family-friend (read: high chairs and crayons) and with surprisingly delicious food, including a homemade applesauce that my newly minted one-year-old nearly gagged herself on, in the good kind of toddler way. One of the reasons I love Gullifty’s is that they’re always playing an 80s XM station–probably 80s on 8 or something. Last time I was there, I heard “The Glamorous Life” while I was washing my hands in the ladies’. Today, as we entered, they were playing “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Taco.
Halfway through our chicken fingers and cobb salad, this song kicked in.
To say I plotzed would be an understatement. The nice families eating their Friday fish were treated to a full-on chair dance, and Gillian even highchair-danced a little. I explained to my two-and-half-year old that Janie and Jeff won the dance-off to this song, even though they totally didn’t deserve it, except they did, and I realized that I had no choice but to blog about “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” the greatest 80s teen movie ever.
It is not the greatest movie, mind you. It’s not even the greatest slumber party movie. But it is the greatest 80s teen movie, because it manages to build in all of the requisites of an 80s movie, but it also includes Helen Hunt, a Solid Gold knockoff, and the guys from the “Total Eclipse of the Heart” video.
I know you’re wondering, so here’s a list of 10 80s Teen Movie Prerequisites. (Add your own in the comments.)
A climax contest
A rich teenager with a rich daddy and rich toys
Practical joke(s)
Punk rockers
A poor kid
One understanding parent and one strict parent
Dance break(s)
Wacky friend(s)
Aerobics
Sarah Jessica Parker
Brass tacks: Girls Just Want to Have Fun has it all, including a title ripped off from Cyndi Lauper’s biggest hit, and a cover of said song in the movie, probably because she’d already sold music rights to The Goonies and didn’t want to do it again. Let’s break it down, item-by-item.
1. A Climax Contest
You cannot, cannot, cannot have an 80s Teen Movie without one. Basketball games, football games, ski races, footraces, sail races, Battle of the Bands, dance contests: it is a must.
(OK, Footloose doesn’t have one, but it does have the tractor chicken scene, and it has a dance.) And the protagonist wins, beating…
2. A rich teenager with a rich daddy and rich toys In “One Crazy Summer,” it was a Ferrari; in “Pretty in Pink,” it was James Spader, who, in the 80s, actually WAS a rich toy; in this one, it’s a remote control closet and an answering machine. She totally had her own answering machine IN HER OWN ROOM. Mind-boggling. She was even a debutante, for cripes’ sake. Which brings us to:
3. Practical joke(s)
In Lovelines, they did the classic replace-the-science-film-with-boobies trick, but here, it was far more awesome. Handing out invitations to BrattyDeb’s coming out party to schlubs on the street? BRILLIANT. And why did the practical joke work? Because it involved…
4. Punk rocker(s)
Sometimes the punk was combined with the wacky friend (“Pretty in Pink”) or aliens (“Weird Science”), but in this case, they stormed the bloody castle to the tune of one of my favorite songs in any 80s movie, ever: “Wake Up the Neighborhood” by Holland. Mostly because it starts with the line “You bring the Jack/I’ll bring the Coke/We’re gonna rock until this place goes up in smoke/Neighborhood, Wake up the neighborhood!” Then it goes on to say “The only way we’re gonna get back home is crawl.”
How was this song not a hit?
5. A poor kid.
Poor Jeffy, big brother to Shannon Doherty and BFF to Jonathan Silverman. Do I know his real name? No. But he was all John Cougary. John Cougar Mellencampy. John Campy. And he was hella poor, and his dad worked for BrattyDeb’s dad. Le sigh. (Ref: “Some Kind of Wonderful” and “Pretty in Pink”)
6. One understanding parent and one strict one
Daddy was a Marine; Mom is a silent-but-strong type who doesn’t support anyone until way too late in the movie. Is it Footloose? Close enough.
7. Dance break(s)
I don’t need to qualify this, do I? But in case I do:
I know the judge is not Kevin Spacey. But it should be.
8. Wacky friend(s)
BOTH protagonists have wacky friends in this case, but please, let’s us focus on Helen Hunt, who would go on to win an Oscar for a movie in which, as far as I could tell, she didn’t do anything but a bad Brooklyn accent. But in GJWTHF, she sang “The Banana Boat” song during choir practice, and Velcro’d her plaid uniform skirt inside out so it was all furry-mini. Don’t worry about how damned hot that skirt would be if she actually wore it; the important thing is, she did. To babysitting.
9. Aerobics
See “Private School” for reference. In GJWTHF, it was giant bull-dyke aerobics instructors lifting a car.
10. Sarah Jessica Parker
See “Square Pegs,” “Flight of the Navigator, “Footloose,” and every other movie in the 80s for reference. But this is the only one where we get to see her body double to a front handspring.
The most important thing, though, is that they get into dance contest on time, and they win it in a dance-off (tied with the BrattyDeb, of course). The mystifyer here, though, is how they managed to win. They’re terrible. They tumble some, sure, but they’re really, really terrible. Watch the first video again if you don’t believe me. And then get happy, anyway, when BrattyDeb’s Silver-Haired Daddy totally disses BrattyDeb just because she loses. With parents like that, who wouldn’t turn out well?
Honorable mentions for 80s movies that this movie also includes: Identical twins; Velcro; private school; and climbing out a window.
slumber party movies 
