Monthly Archives: July 2012

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Tuesday Tribute: Best Drinking Scene in a Teen Comedy

This scene from John Hughes’ Weird Science deserves a tribute for its epic greatness, but also because, since Gary’s pimp character would not pass modern PC standards, a scene like this would not be made today. So it’s not PC…does that mean that it can’t be EPIC? I don’t think so. Let’s remember one thing–Lisa is magic. She has magic powers. She uses them to outfit herself, Wyatt and Gary in the finest prom wear that the 80s had to offer, but instead of using those magic powers to go on a Ferris-Buelleresque tippy-tappy champagne and foie gras tour of only the cuntiest penthouses in the Chicago skyline, Lisa conjures up pink Cadillac so they can cruise to the South Side and drink Blind-Dog Bourbon at a blues bar straight out of a Jim Croce song. Privileged white boys? In the South Side of Chicago? Hilarity surely will ensue, right? Right. But it mostly comes from the common ground that Gary finds with the malakas at The Kandy Bar. And maybe that was what Lisa was trying to teach Gary. He wasn’t the first one to go crazy for a big set of titties. He wasn’t the only guy in the world to get kneed in the family jewels. It was not just him and Wyatt against the slushie-throwing (no, Glee did not invent that) Robert Downeys of the world. He was not alone. And perhaps that was Lisa’s magic. Or perhaps it’s just a funny scene in a funny movie. Either way, enjoy.

Extra Credit: Is it possible that the Kids in the Hall sketch “Mississippi Gary” was not based on Mississippi Fred McDowell, as previously thought, but on Gary’s un-PC pimp character? Discuss.

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Another “Feminism Happened” Life Lesson from the Better Off Dead Mom.

To be honest, this was not exactly inspired by Better Off Dead. It was inspired by those women…you know Those Women. The ones who are always on Facebook posting things like, “I just spent all afternoon deep-frying BLTs and cleaning the dishwasher for My Man. Isn’t My Man lucky?” When I see one of those posts, my first thought is, “Bitch, didn’t you vote for Hilary?” My second thought is, “You made those deep-fried BLTs for Your Man? What the fuck did you eat? Did you get a sandwich, or were you happy to watch Your Man enjoy the fruits of your labor while sustaining yourself on whatever bits of water-logged food you found in the dishwasher drain?” My third thought is, “Since I actually made that whole deep-fried BLT thing up, should I patent that or what?”

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It was 25 years ago today…

Or to be more accurate, it 25 years ago last Saturday that Guns N’ Roses released Appetite for Destruction. Now, I know that Welcome to the Jungle might be the obvious choice for this week’s Friday Morning Videos, but I’ve got my reasons. Two of them. And they both involve the first 10 seconds of the video. First of all, come on! How can you NOT be impressed that the first act of a hair-metal video inspired a cheese-filled Broadway musical and an equally fromagey star-studded movie, nearly a quarter of a century later. That’s a lot of cheddar.

Second, it probably took less than an hour and forty bucks to film the “sweet, innocent Axl Rose gets off the bus” scene. I’m sure the actor they got to play The Hustler got paid in hair grease and Marlboro reds. Axl borrowed that suitcase from Slash’s mom (I assume). That just leaves the cost of sending an intern to the Ho Store for a slutty ho and slutty hose. Think about it. For the price of a fringed jacket on the clearance rack at Wilson’s, this video did something amazing. At the beginning (the beginning for Christ’s sake) of the LA metal scene, they summed the whole thing up in a package neater than whatever sock-and-duct-tape combo Axl shoved down the front of his plastic pleather trousers. “There will be hustlers waiting to take your shit as soon as you get off the bus, but hot damn! The chicks are super slutty!”

Tuesday Tribute: Ride, Sally, Ride!

When I was 9, my fourth-grade teacher said we could do a report on anyone in American history, so I picked five women: Dolly Madison, Betsy Ross, Martha Washington, Eleanor Roosevelt and Sally Ride. My mom definitely inspired the first three–she’s a Revolutionary War buff–but I picked the last two. I wrote my report from my mom’s set of encyclopedias (kids: “encyclopedias” are like the internet, only heavier and smelling more like a basement), and when it came to cover Sally Ride, I found…. nothing. I went to the library. Nothing. The high school library: nada.

This was before I knew to check periodicals, in which I could’ve found all that I needed about the first American woman in space, but instead, I had one piece of information: Sally Ride was the first American woman to go to space. Not enough for a report, so I think had to pick someone else. I say “think” because I don’t remember who I picked; whoever it was was probably not nearly as awesome as the first American woman in space. (And big ups to Valentina Tereshkova and Svetlana Savitskaya, who came before her. Two points on that: 1) The Soviets put TWO women in space before we got around to it. And 2) Is there a rule that, in order to be a woman in space, you have to have a fantastic name like Valentina, Svetlana, or Sally Ride?)

I turned in the report, decorated with an American flag on the front, and was bitterly disappointed that I couldn’t include Sally Ride. How on earth could a woman be an astronaut and the books not have ANY information about her? HOW?

Fortunately, in the intervening years we’ve had the internet, where you can get everything you need within a reasonable degree of accuracy. We’re not talking launching into orbit, after all; we’re talking just a general “who was she?” And even after thirty years, it turns out we didn’t know everything there was to know about her, because after she died yesterday at age 61, of pancreatic cancer, her family announced that since 1985, she’d been in a long-term relationship with Dr. Tam O’Shaugnessy, a woman. This news horrifies me to some extent: an American hero, who was my own hero for some time, didn’t want anyone to know she was in a loving relationship. By all accounts she was “intensely private,” and while I respect her decision and the difficulties coming out might have caused during her career, I’m so saddened that only in death can her love be celebrated. Other women get their marriage announcements in the NYTimes style section. Hers appeared in the obituaries.

Sally, I would’ve loved you anyway; we all would have. Thank you for your strength, bravery and your lifelong dedication to education (http://sallyridescience.com).

Because this is slumberpartymovies.com, I have to share a clip from the ill-timed but otherwise totally radical Spacecamp, in which Sally Ride is portrayed by Kate Capshaw. I don’t know if I ever watched it at a slumber party, but I know I was in love with Tate Donovan. I wanted to include the scene where John Glenn winks, but all I could find on youtube was the launch. (Watching this again: who the hell names a ship “Atlantis”? Why not name it “Titanic”?)

Friday Morning Videos: Blaze of Glory

This week in the ‘Burgh it’s been nonstop thunderstorms, which is to say I’ve been totally grooving on the sounds of thunder and lightning, and it’s also no longer a humid 95 degrees. It’s a humid 70 degrees.

So, of course, I had to share this swell video, because Jon Bon Jovi is the Storm of baby-faced rockstars. Don’t believe me? Run it forward to 4:24.

Tuesday Tribute: Surprisingly Still Alive Edition

Comedian and human Fraggle, Phyllis Diller, turns 95. That means that she has out-joked, out-hammed and out-laughed them all–except Rickles, who is still alive…out of spite. This video is a fitting tribute to our cackling queen of comedy because it makes us wish (oh how we wish) that Phyllis Diller had gotten that role in Spice World and Meatloaf had done voices for a straight-to-video animated flick. Happy Birthday, Old Spice!

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Friday the 13

Happy Friday the 13th! I don’t know about you, but on special days like this, my mind turns to thoughts of Jason Voorhees. One of my favorite Friday the 13th movies is Jason X–or as I like to call it “Jason in Space!” I don’t love this flick because it’s good…because it’s not. And I don’t just love it because it’s Jason…in space. Even though it is. I love it because after years of stabbing bitches in the head with a machete (except for Friday the 13th 3 in 3D, when he switched to spears, darts and long “coming at ya” weapons…for some reason), Jason went into space. Space! Did you ever go to space? Probably not. And not only does he go into space, but he fucks shit up there. Watch this trailer…see that? At the end…when the mother fucking space station explodes? Jason did that. Little, head-stabbing Jason blew up a mother fucking SPACE STATION!* Brings a tear to my eye.

*It should be noted that Jason accidentally blew up the space station while stabbing a bitch with a machete, but still….

From stabbing horn-dog counselors at Camp Crystal Lake to this. Sniff.

Friday Morning Videos: What’s Love Got to Do With It

This came up on my iPod the other day, and my youngest daughter–who is 17 months–immediately commenced the deep shoulder action, which goes to show how very primal the bassline is in this most excellent of songs.

And yes, this is the video that I saw, for the first time, on the night of “Amityville Horror 2: The Possession,” and it is quite unfairly associated with that movie. But what can you do?

Terribly Sorry.

Recently, on Facebook, I suggested that maybe this whole Don’t Call it Frisco thing is a bit antiquated. I mean the whole thing started with Herb Caen’s book Don’t Call it Frisco, which was published in 1953 and was inspired by something a local judge said in 1918. 1918! Isn’t it time to let it go? Apparently not. My husband, and other native San Franciscans, are highly insulted. I understand insult. I’m from NH. Our State Flower looks like a vagina. That’s a lot to live down. So I would like to sincerely apologize to native San Franciscans who I have insulted by bringing this up. And because this is Slumber Party, I have done so by changing key words in this classic Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie bit.  You’re welcome.

GET OUT.

As Melinda mentioned on Monday, I’m in the process of moving. And I’m not just moving–I’m moving into a house that we bought. We own it. It’s ours. We could tear down all the walls and build a shrine to Our Lady of Guadalupe out of ice cream in the sunroom, and no one could say boo about it.

Thus far, Cindy’s been nothing but the sunny, adorable self we fell in love with on our first visit. She’s even given us gifts like original blueprints (architect: Hymen Rosenthal) and a hand-painted mural. But given that I am me and she is she and we are all together, I can’t help but wonder if she’s going to say something really awful some day, and send our entire family screaming into the street with horror.

Cindy’s a mid century, and she has no eyes. I checked.

Despite “Amityville Horror”‘s maybe-true, maybe-isn’t infamy , and that it’s the worst homeowner nightmare pretty much ever, this post isn’t about the original movie. It’s about the sequel, “Amityville Horror 2: The Possession,” which came out in 1982, and stars Jack Magner as the Evil Son, who you may recognize as Young Serviceman in “Firestarter.” I don’t specifically remember that character, but I’ll bet he was very evil before little Charlie incinerated his ass.

On a late night in 1984, on the white sectional of the Stowinsky’s family room–one wall of which was decorated with an autumnal mill mural–Jenny, Jamie, Samantha (my sister) and I settled in for another night of satellite and videos. (Jenny and Jamie’s parents not only had a dish, but they also owned a video store and didn’t care what we watched, as long as it wasn’t out of the back room. How’s that for a friend score?) Among those videos is one you’ll be seeing this Friday, which is forever associated with “Amityville Horror 2” in my head.

We all knew the story of the original movie, but had never seen it (i.e., I didn’t know there was a demonic pig with my name in it), so what else would we watch? Turns out “Amityville Horror 2: The Possession” is about the original family that lived in the house, which was the only true part of the whole Amityville saga:  On November 13, 1974, 23-year-old Ronald DeFeo, Jr., shot and killed his father, mother, two brothers, and two sisters. (Creepily, that was my dad’s birthday, and probably the night I was conceived.) “Amityville Horror 2” suggests that the house itself–built on an Indian burial ground, of course–pulled an Overlook on the kid and made him do it.

This is what a possessed murderer looks like, right before exploding.

Possession aside, there’s a scene in the movie where a young man shoots his entire family, especially taking his time with his sister, for whom he had an unnatural attraction. Then there’s a thing with a priest and a swelling head and an exploding body, but that’s pretty aside the point from there’s a scene in the movie where a young man shoots his entire family.

Jamie and I slept in Jenny’s room that night, on the floor (Samantha and Jenny shared her double bed). Nightmares plagued me; I don’t remember any one specifically, except I’m guessing they mostly involved my entire family getting shot by someone. At around 4:30 AM–I was crying at that point–Samantha woke up and asked what was wrong. I said I couldn’t sleep. And she invited me to get into bed with her.

I crawled up into the bed, still crying, and in a single greatest act of big sisterly heroism since the Great Booboo-Kissing of 1980, she shushed me, pulled Jenny’s blanket over me, remarking that it looked just like Grandma’s pink blanket, and spooned me until I fell asleep. Thusly, a night that began in familial terror ended with one of the best examples of sisterly caring I ever experienced, and even in my worst moments with Samantha–and we had some doozies–I think of snuggling under that pink blanket with her, thoughts of psychotic sons and exploding priests shushed away, Brownie the hamster cheerfully jogging away in his wheel.

And that’s what a slumber party’s all about, folks.

P.S. Samantha and I watched our way through nearly every horror movie in Video 99, some of them several times (“The Omen” for when we wanted a really good scare) but avoided “The Possession” like one would avoid, say, a possession. Finally, my sophomore year in college, we agreed than ten years was long enough, and watched it again. It was utterly unscary in its terribleness. The same night, we rented “Audrey Rose,” and let me tell you: if you’re in the mood for movies about possession and dead kids, that’s the one to pick.