Category Archives: Wait…Did That Really Happen?

Did Tawny Kitaen Really Have Bubble Sex with Bruno Martelli?

Bubble Sex Foreplay looks like this.

Bubble Sex Foreplay looks like this.

Nope. You did not dream it after drinking a wee bit too much Windex. There was a Boy in the Bubble movie starring Lee Curreri (from Fame fame) as a young millionaire* with a rare disease that requires he live in a crystal room for some reason and Tawny Kitaen as a rock star with a promising career despite her apparent lack of talent and stylist. Here, see for yourself. Watch for a lot of hairography and an extremely literal visual representation of the cliche “icing on the cake”.

But the heart of the insane 80s nightmare that is Corazon de Cristal is The Love Scene. Yes. By love I mean sex. Here it is. All nine NSFW** minutes of it. But first, here are some things to watch for:

1. An immediate sleazy mustache off. (You choose the winner.)

2. Okay. You know of  my complete and total faith in anyone connected to Fame, AKA The Best Dance Movie Ever, so I’m sure the director of Crystal Heart, Gil Bettman***, specifically instructed Lee to act like a thirteen year old boy whose Activision privileges had been taken away. … So stop being so judgmental.

3. Lee with a heart-breaking sadness so deep even Pac Man and Solid Gold can’t cure it.

4. Tawny kisses a stuffed dog for some reason.

5.Indoor flamingo.

6.Tawny smokes, yells at her dog (probably not stuffed), and literally cries over spilled milk.

7. Tawny dancing like a reject from a Debbie Gibson video–her badness amplified by the fact that she is dancing next to a Debbie-Gibson-video caliber dancer.

8. Tawny is out acted by her matching purse and giant hair-bow accessory.

9. Tawny is out acted by her own bare ta-tas. (I did mention that this is NSFW.)

Where's that squeegee guy?

Where’s that squeegee guy?

10. The funniest sex scene ever in which Lee and Tawny rub up against the crystal walls of the disease containment cube…to completion. Ew. Yes.  Between teh Whitesnake video and this, Tawny had pigeon holed herself as an actress who would have  sex with inanimate objects. Spiegelmama has a theory that she had a squeegee guy on retainer.

Okay. Get ready to take notes–this will be on the quiz. Pencils at the ready…and go!

* All the boys in the “Boy in a Bubble” movies have rich parents…or else they would’ve been Dead Poor Kid movies.

**If Tawny’s ta-tas cause this to be taken off of Youtube, please contact admin@slumberpartymovies.com

*** Yes. That Gil Beckman. The man who solidified the Douchumentary genre with his offering The Long Road to Cabo: Sammy Hagar and the Waboritas

Friday Morning Videos: When The Going Gets Tough

This video brought to you by our weekly Friday Morning Videos sponsor, the JCC of Squirrel Hill.

Like any good New Year’s resolver, I headed for the gym this morning, and did not disappoint myself: 20 minutes on the bike, followed by 40 minutes wandering around circuit machines, trying to decide which to use and how to use them. My regular workout soundtrack–NPR’s Morning Edition and Marketplace–was interrupted for this delight coming from JCCTV, who, if you’ll remember, also brought us Debbie Gibson and Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon.

Not since “St. Elmo’s Fire” has a video so seamlessly tied in a movie and its stars. The Brat Pack only stood in a cold alley and grooved with ennui. Billy Ocean, however, has the music mojo to get three of the 80s’ biggest stars to be Motown-style backup singers. And they do it with such sincerity and panache that one can only sit back and wish we’d been at the wrap party.

The video opens up with Jack telling Joan he’s going to kill her, which means that, even though it’s a sequel, they’re still in love and have fantastic sex. Then we transition to your typical concert video, only this one features Billy Ocean instead of Bon Jovi. We see his ensemble band–horn section, keyboardist, guitarist, drumset… and off to the side, the backs of his backup singers, nattily clad in white tuxedos.

Sneaky!

Sneaky!

Then, at minute 1:18… BAM. Faster than a Colombian mudslide, Kathleen Turner, Danny DeVito, and Michael Douglas spin about and break into full choreography. They’re Billy Ocean’s White Knights.

THE Joan Wilder?

THE Joan Wilder?

Danny DeVito, I get. He’d do anything less boring than watching his hairline recede. And Kathleen Turner clearly harbored a secret dream to be a Ronette. But Michael Douglas? He was already a producer and director and movie star and totally sexy in a Harrison Ford way, except without the indigestion. He’s not as comfortable with dancing, but he demonstrates exactly WHY Jack was such a great character: because the ultimate romantic hero is fun.

They didn’t have to do the video. They had plenty of star power, and money, and the movie was a “Jewel of the Nile,” a less-than-awesome, but still awfully fun, sequel, to “Romancing the Stone,” which is, hands-down, the best romantic adventure ever filmed. Maybe it’s because there are only like five out there, but still. That’s saying something.

I wasn't the only one disappointed when he went for Melanie Griffith.

I wasn’t the only one disappointed when he went for Melanie Griffith.

So I leave you with two lessons from this video, to ring in your New Year: When the going gets tough, the tough get going, and the tough also get rough. And if you get an opportunity to do something completely shameless, that puts you at risk for public humiliation and is outside your working skill set: do it. And when you do it, think of Danny DeVito.

I don't often play the saxophone, but when I do, I wear sunglasses.

I don’t often play saxophones, but when I do, I wear sunglasses.

P.S. If you’d like your own Colombian mudslide, go to Applebee’s and snort cocaine off the drinks menu.

My Favorite Christmas Movie is About a Prostitution Ring in a Morgue

…And that’s the truth, and not just a ploy to get a hit off every Google search ever (but I’m on my way!).

Night Shift is an 80s comedy starring Henry Winkler, Micheal Keaton and Shelley Long and set in New York in December. And it is Christmasy!

Wow! I can't believe I'll be giving a hand job at a swank joint like this!

Wow! I can’t believe I’ll be giving a hand job at a swank joint like this!

Very, very Christmasy, but in a pants-off kind of way.

Aren't you cold? No! I've got a baked potato in my pants. Wait.... Where are my pants?

Aren’t you cold? No! I’ve got a baked potato in my pants. Wait…. Where are my pants?

It’s about a wild and crazy satin-jacket-wearing guy named Bill who makes it his mission in life to make a man out of fellow morgue employee, Chuck. He pulls this off with a massive prostitution ring, keggers, hookers, booze, weed, sex clubs, fist fights, shoot outs, threatened prison rape, the Rolling Stones and erratic driving.

Can you hear this?

Can you hear this?

I know it sounds complicated, but it is actually quite simple. Here. I’ll let Bill explain it.

Got it? Anyways…so our Chuck and Bill run a successful prostitution ring out of a morgue, Chuck becomes a man, and at Christmas time, all the prostitutes pool their hooking money together and they buy Chuck a sweet pimp hat.

Merry Christmas Meester Chuck!

Does this hat make me look pimpy enough?

 

I know it all seems strange, but you need to understand one thing. It was the 80s. How 80s? It was 82. We didn’t give a shit. The trailer that advertised this movie featured Shelley Long smoking an enormous roach.

Be honest. Do you think this will ruin my career?

Be honest. Do you think this will ruin my career?

 

Wait. Did that really happen? Cold War edition part 1.

I know that in the 80s and even the 90s it was considered bad form for someone who was not KD Lang to be out, loud and proud in Music Video form, but really? Did Elton John really make a video where the cold war-torn, tragically romantic  couple looked like this:

The Dashing Foreigner in The Be-Ribboned Tap Dancer’s Hat.

A Beautiful Model/Border Crossing Guard Who Was Born Female.

Yes. It happened. Other things that happen in this video for some reason: Elton and Nikita go bowling. Elton wears many different caftans and tap dancer’s hats. Elton and Nikita slow dance at a weird European disco. They play chess. They watch a football game while Elton is wearing comically over-sized boots.

Horrific. You can watch it if you want, or you can just pretend that the video’s star-crossed lovers are these two lookers…and all will be right with the world.

Ah! Elton and Bruno! Isn’t that much better?

No? Fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Under the Rainbow…Wait. What?

A six-foot rabbit in a hat has nothing on this.

Was there really a period piece starring Carrie Fisher and Chevy Chase, set in 1930s Hollywood and revolving around the munchkin auditions for Wizard of Oz? And did it really culminate with Billy Barty, as a womanizing Nazi, being chased by a crowd of little people through the set of Gone With the Wind? Or was that just a flashback to some bad acid we did at a Phish back in the early 90s. Well, … I … erm … I’m not sure. Those Phish heads had some seriously mind-bending sh#t. So I’m probably to wrong person to ask. Here, look at this video and tell me if you see it too.

Video

Wait…Did That Really Happen? Butts-a-Popping Edition

Have you ever remembered a movie from your childhood, but it was so weird that you thought to yourself, “Wait…did that really happen, or did I do a lot of peyote as a child? Was that an actual movie, or something my mind created to block out the memory of fourth grade PE class?” As a public service, Slumber Party Movies will solve those cinematic mysteries for you…one botched-rope-climb replaced memory at a time.

The first “Wait…Did that Really Happen?” is the one where that guy creates a line of jeans with the ass cheeks cut out that sweeps the nation because it turns out, no one really wants their pants to actually cover their asses. Was this a hallucinogenic-fueled mental-break or actual movie? ACTUAL MOVIE. Yes! So Fine came out in 1981…and that guy? He was played with relentless maleness by Ryan O’Neal. Don’t believe me? Here is the evidence.

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ACTUAL MOVIE. Yes! So Fine came out in 1981…and that guy? He was played with relentless maleness by Ryan O’Neal. Don’t believe me? Here is the evidence.