Dammit Janet!

Paint the Internet black. No. I don’t know how you would do that…I guess we could just shut it all down and then pour some tempera down those tubes that Ted Stevens was talking about. It doesn’t matter. I’m not in the mood to argue.  Janet Jackson quit showbiz because she married a rich religious guy. So? She was already rich and religious…why you gotta quit on us Janet? Why?

Is it because people keep mentioning that you were on Fame?

 Dammit, Lerlines! I will make you love this show.

Yes. We mention it because you were awesome on it–in your modified Dorothy Hamill haircut and your button up Oxford shirts, and your signature brilliant dance move which can only be described as a grapevine into booby shimmy.

Is it that we mention that you were Willis’s girlfriend on Diff’rent Strokes? So? You were, and you were the best God damned thing that ever happened to that constantly upstaged beanpole.

The guy on the right is waaaay out of his league.

The guy on the right is waaaay out of his league.

Is it because we post pictures of you as Penny on Good Times with a band-aid on your head. So? That little abused bundle of sass was the best thing to happen to Wilona since she had the good sense to put the words buffalo and butt together.

051512-music-evolution-janet-jackson-as-penny-in-good-times

Now Penny, remember to always match your hat and scarf to your low-cut dress. Always.

Oh…do not even get me started on that time you were the best thing to happen to Eddie Murphy since the 80s because I promised myself I would not cry.

Makes you almost want to watch this movie...doesn't it?

Makes you almost want to watch this movie…doesn’t it?

Oh Janet. You know how we feel about you.  So please…don’t leave us, but if you must…leave us with three things to remember you by: A band-aid, a button-up Oxford, and a zoot suit. …We promise not to sell them on Ebay.

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