Friday Morning Videos: All I Wanna Do Is Steal Sperm From You

Ready for an earworm? Ready? Go!

I love Heart. LOVE Heart. Crazy On You? Magical. Magic Man? Beyond magical. So WTF happened in the late 80s? Sure, they had some good songs, but then this song blasted out into every radio in 1990, and everyone knew every word, possibly against their will. You know the story.

It was a rainy night, when the hottest non-serial-killing hitchhiker got picked up by a younger, thinner version of Ann Wilson.

"Please, please, please don't have an STD."

“Please, please, please don’t have an STD.”

They chatted for a bit, and then fell in love, and then they found a hotel. It was a place she knew well. They don’t show this in the video, but there’s a scene where the clerk says, “Ovulating again?” and she’s all “Dude, icksnay on the ovulatingway.”

"Please, please, PLEASE don't have an STD."

“Please, please, PLEASE don’t have an STD.”

Then they have lots and lots of the sex, and he’s really, really good at it. And then she’s all sad the next morning, and leaves the worst Dear John note ever. For those of you who don’t remember all the words, it goes like this:

I am the flower; you are the seed. We walked in the garden. We planted a tree. Don’t try to find me; please don’t you dare. Just live in my memory. You’ll always be there.*

"Crap. Does this mean she has something growing down there? I hope it's not the clap."

“Crap. Does this mean she has something growing down there? I hope it’s not the clap.”

Then it happened one day, dontcha know, that they came round the same way. Which, by the way, seems to also be at a motel; maybe he bought the place because he had such fond memories? The good news for us is, he lost his contact lenses, and it turns out he’s even hotter in librarian glasses.

"Crap. It wasn't the clap."

“Crap. It wasn’t the clap.”

Unfortunately for the kid, that means he also has a 50% chance of having bad eyesight. But it’s OK. He’s growing up in the age of LASIK.

I find the wording in this part interesting: “I’m in love with another man, and what he couldn’t give me was the one little thing that you can.”

Judging by the look on Hot Hitch’s face, I think we’re all in agreement that this is so not a little thing. This is way bigger than a breadbox and fixing to keep getting bigger for the next 18 years or so. On the upside, she knows where the guy works, so when Little Hitch starts asking for a kid sister, she knows where to go.

One last thought for your weekend: WTF is Nancy Wilson making out with the guitar?

The safest sex there is!

The safest sex there is!

* Semicolons mine. This twit doesn’t know a semicolon from an em-dash.

3 responses to “Friday Morning Videos: All I Wanna Do Is Steal Sperm From You

  1. Holly crapballs. One.Dude is totally cuter with glasses. Right? Two. I never noticed this weird subplot that seems to be a love story between Nancy and her guitar. They cut out the scene where the guitar looks up to see Nancy holding a ukulele.

  2. Ha! Ann agrees with you: (from Wikipedia) The label insisted they include a song Mutt Lange had written titled “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You”. Ann hated it but they grudgingly turned it into a Heart song. When it was released, it was an instant hit racing to number three. The song helped make Brigade the band’s third multi-platinum album in a row, peaking at number 3. They still hated the song – Ann later said it grossed her out – so they played it on the tour, but not since

  3. LMAO! She was longing for the days of when she could sing about being young, naive, and seduced by sexy men, not vice versa.

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