Things We Learned From Heathers.

Today we are thrilled and frightened to welcome guest blogger, Suzanne. Thrilled because Suzanne is seriously hilarious. Frightened because we think she might have gotten away with an actual murder. Seriously. 

The new girl is totally a murderer. Totally.

Hi Suzanne O’Kelly here, guest blogger of Slumber Party Movies. I’ve decided to take a break for streaming Netflix while eating hot dogs rolled in tortillas to remind you of a little film called Heathers and why you musn’t forget it. Why must you be reminded or, God help you, schooled on the lessons Heathers imparts besides the proper use of the word “myriad”? I say “god help you if you are an Old like me because…without Heathers, how did you ever learn to:

Is Jennifer a slut? A. Yes. B. No. C. I’m Jennifer

1. Appreciate the lunchtime poll. This subversive but all important skill is integral to your adult development. I mean, how on earth are you supposed to keep your office mates informed of the haps? Terry in Accounting would surely die if she didn’t know how the office feels about Jennifer in accounting’s new relationship with Bob in Sales, and whether one of them can do better. And don’t get me started on Ted in Product’s ugly pants. If Jeff in Finance knew how we really, REALLY felt about Docker’s with pleats, he’d know to skip those. Being a laughingstock is not part of the recipe for success.

2. Go along with the crowd. One false move and you may find yourself in (or on, in Heather’s case) one huge pickle. As we may recall for the movie, Heather didn’t want to slut it up alone at the college party, so she brought Veronica to help out. (I always wondered why she didn’t invite the Yellow Heather because she seemed to have the lowest standards of the bunch.) Conveniently (for Veronica, not Heather) Veronica got sick and thus was unable to properly blow the douche bag with the Hitler Youth haircut. But Heather, on the other hand, was game enough to follow through. Now who got the short end of the stick here? Not Douchy McDoucherstein because srsly who cares. It’s Heather, of course. How can she let all of those insecurities all hang out in plain view only to find her plucky friend doesn’t, or won’t, share them? How dare Veronica make her look like the ONLY whore? Veronica puking on the carpet was just for emphasis really–you know that frat house carpet had seen its fair puke share prior to that night. Remember, a lone whore is disgusting, but a few good whores are just that. So the next time Josh in Mergers talks you and some other people into getting drunk at lunch and emailing pictures of the CEO’s wet spot on his pants around the office until someone drunkenly copies him, say YES, by god. He can’t fire all of you. Just remember you aren’t so special. If you were, you wouldn’t be working there. Besides, if you decide you are special, you could end up getting teased by a girl wearing a cardigan that looks like a rugby shirt. And who wants that?

Is that poison? No! Just drink it, Socrates…I mean Heather.

3. How to murder people without jailtime. Now this is a skill we all can’t be perfect at, but just imagine the possibilities if there was no such thing as a crime lab, which must have been the case in this movie, but I digress. You have a coworker who takes credit for your idea and gets the promotion, tells everyone about your IBS after a few awkward moments in the bathroom or blabs that 3-way with your boss and his wife story you told her after your 5th happy hour martini. There isn’t even a proper place in hell for people like this. But jail isn’t convenient. Solution? Make it look like a suicide. You don’t even need a note…a marked-up copy of any classic novel will do.  But you could just type one up on her machine when she’s meeting with Larry in Logistics and set it to go out two hours later. (You can do this in Outlook…very easily actually.) Go ahead, slip the poison of your choice into her “I hate Mondays” cup. And don’t look back.

Say ‘damage’ one more time. I dare you. I double dare you.

Ah yes, this movie has shaped my life in myriad ways, as it likely can (or did) yours. And what’s the most important thing to remember here? Life may be hard, but you have help in the movie “Heathers.” And “myriad” doesn’t get a preposition.