No need for eyeliner.

Lerlines! Tim Curry has had a stroke. Apparently, he’s doing just fine, but OH! What a shock! We need our Tim Curries hale, robust, vibrant and as healthy as possible. Here…watch him play the delightfully prim Dr. Pool in Oscar, another movie in which he did what he does best–stealing every scene he’s in.

What is not to love?

However, last week when Ingo Rademacher (you might remember him as the blonde point in the Brenda/Sonny/Jax love triangle from General Hospital) danced the Charleston to Fat Sam’s Grand Slam, I had flashbacks. Not the good kind, like when you hear a Paul Williams song and you suddenly remember all the words to Rainbow Connection as well as the song Gonzo sang at the campfire. And, now that I think of it, not the really bad kind, like when you watch a car crash through a remarkably flimsy “bridge out” sign to jump a dry creek bed, and you remember that Paul Williams was in Smokey and the Bandit, and you can’t get Little Enos’ mustache out of your mind. … Or the name “Little Enos”.

It haunts you.

No. I’m talking about the kind of flashback where you hear Paul William’s Fat Sam’s Grand Slam, and you remember that there was once a movie called Bugsy Malone (written and directed by a pre-fame and pre-Fame Alan Parker), and suddenly you go through it all again. The five stages of Bugsy Malone.

1. Mild curiosity.

“Oh hey. A young Scott Baio and a young Jodie Foster in a period piece. I’m stuck in this hospital bed/jail cell/ crippling depression. Maybe I’ll watch it”

2. Amused confusion.

“Um…where are the adults? I mean it’s starting to look like a gangster movie made with all children actors…for some reason, but….”

Nah! It couldn’t be THAT!

Because that would be weird and pointless.

Holy crap! Does that kid have a KID?!

3. Shocked Realization

These kids are in some pretty adult situations.

Very adult situations.

Oh my BOYZONE!!!

Was this legal…even in the 70s?

4. Detached Rationalization.

Maybe Parker is trying to say something about sensationalized violence in movies by using whip cream instead of bullets.

It makes sense.

Sort of.

Oh, but hey!

Those cars are pretty cool. I wish I had one of those when I was a kid.

Oh. They’re just pedal cars.

I did have one of those. Mine didn’t have a chauffeur, though. I crashed it into a few frog ponds, and then it got rusty.

5. Devastating Trauma

Oh look. An adorable child is singing. Wait. That’s not his voice. It’s familiar…odd and creepy…OH GOD. It’s Paul Williams!

That’s right. There is no acceptance in the Five Stages of Bugsy Malone. Just pure horror. Look, I take Paul Williams very seriously. He was the voice of a generation and a national frigging treasure, and when he dies*, I’m going to listen to Rainbow Connection over and over and cry like a baby…a very sad baby. But I don’t know why, but his voice is SUPER CREEPY. Maybe it’s because his singing style was honed in the 70s and is so devoid of irony that it reeks of festering sincerity. Maybe it is that he looks and sounds like a corporeal muppet.

Spot the non-Muppet. It’s harder than you think.

Whatever it is. That voice…coming out of a little kids mouth. Horrifying. Why couldn’t Kym have chosen a different song to Charleston to? Why Kym…WHY?!

So…cold. So…horrified.

*That’s right, Lerlines. He’s still alive. 

I love Heart. LOVE Heart. Crazy On You? Magical. Magic Man? Beyond magical. So WTF happened in the late 80s? Sure, they had some good songs, but then this song blasted out into every radio in 1990, and everyone knew every word, possibly against their will. You know the story.

It was a rainy night, when the hottest non-serial-killing hitchhiker got picked up by a younger, thinner version of Ann Wilson.

“Please, please, please don’t have an STD.”

They chatted for a bit, and then fell in love, and then they found a hotel. It was a place she knew well. They don’t show this in the video, but there’s a scene where the clerk says, “Ovulating again?” and she’s all “Dude, icksnay on the ovulatingway.”

“Please, please, PLEASE don’t have an STD.”

Then they have lots and lots of the sex, and he’s really, really good at it. And then she’s all sad the next morning, and leaves the worst Dear John note ever. For those of you who don’t remember all the words, it goes like this:

I am the flower; you are the seed. We walked in the garden. We planted a tree. Don’t try to find me; please don’t you dare. Just live in my memory. You’ll always be there.*

“Crap. Does this mean she has something growing down there? I hope it’s not the clap.”

Then it happened one day, dontcha know, that they came round the same way. Which, by the way, seems to also be at a motel; maybe he bought the place because he had such fond memories? The good news for us is, he lost his contact lenses, and it turns out he’s even hotter in librarian glasses.

“Crap. It wasn’t the clap.”

Unfortunately for the kid, that means he also has a 50% chance of having bad eyesight. But it’s OK. He’s growing up in the age of LASIK.

I find the wording in this part interesting: “I’m in love with another man, and what he couldn’t give me was the one little thing that you can.”

Judging by the look on Hot Hitch’s face, I think we’re all in agreement that this is so not a little thing. This is way bigger than a breadbox and fixing to keep getting bigger for the next 18 years or so. On the upside, she knows where the guy works, so when Little Hitch starts asking for a kid sister, she knows where to go.

One last thought for your weekend: WTF is Nancy Wilson making out with the guitar?

The safest sex there is!

* Semicolons mine. This twit doesn’t know a semicolon from an em-dash.

10. Desperado. The Bar Bet.

This one doesn’t seem to belong on this list. It’s not really a SPM, and it doesn’t really fit the theme because I don’t think this joke was in the script. I just think that Tarantino wandered onto the set drunk and kept the footage because he liked the way his hair looked. But whatever. It’s a pretty funny joke.

9. What About Bob? I’m a Schizophrenic. 

This one has it all. Bill Murray enthralling a room of people, Richard Dreyfus pulling his hair out in a fit of rage, and a classically hilarious joke.

8. The Crow. Jesus Walks Into an Inn.

I’m braving any bad juju that might be coming my way, as well as the wrath of time-travelling 90s goths, by listing this one, and I’m scared. Scared bad. But I must. Not because this is such a great joke, but it’s how the joke is told.  Just watch.

7. Stripes. Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?

I was going to disqualify this one for breaking the mold, but then I realized it needed to be included for that very same reason.

6. Pulp Fiction. Fox Force Five Joke.

How did Tarantino make this list twice? Look. This is a bad joke, and it’s about a very unsettling subject–the horrors of baby tomato abuse. But you know what? It fits the scene more perfectly than “hey, thanks for re-starting my heart” would have. (BTW: My two favorite things in this scene are Uma’s eyes and the weird lawn sculpture that appears to be judging them both and the joke.)

5. Good Will Hunting. The Long Form Boston Joke.

This is the reason I like this movie. Because Ben Affleck’s Chuckie is 100% spot on. See, when anyone who was born within a fifty mile radius of Boston tells a joke, they follow three rules. It has to be told like it is the truth, but happened to a friend or, even better, a cousin. It has to be unnecessarily long. It has to include a cat (preferably a dead one).  Chuckie’s story joke hit all three marks. (My long-form story joke included a dead dog, but it was a very small dog, so they let me stay in the state.)

In a pitch perfect Boston accent, Chuckie enthralls and annoys his friends with a long, drawn out story about how his cousin hits a cat with a car, chases the dying cat across the street, and puts the cat out of its misery. A large man asks why he is bashing his cat’s head in and Chuckie’s cousin explains the whole story and points at the hood of his car…which has a dead cat stuck to the grille. The punchline: Can you believe it? He brained an innocent cat.

4. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. You Know What Frosts My Ass?

Just in case we needed more proof that big boobs and adorable accents make everything, even bad jokes, better.

Dolly: You know what really frosts my ass?

Burt: No. What?

Dolly: An ice cube about this high. (Indicates Dolly-ass height.)

3. My Favorite Year. The Duck Joke.

This one makes the cut because of Jessica Harper’s charm, Benji’s reaction, just what an AWESOME movie My Favorite Year is, and the fact that the bad version of the joke is way funnier than the professionally told version. Take that, Stoneberg.

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing a duck, and he says, “Can you help me because I have a duck on my head?”

2. History of the Word Part 1. Dying at the Palace. 

So this is technically a comedy routine, but it is a comedy routine full of jokes. Funny ones. Delivered by Mel Brooks. To Dom DeLuise. With Madeline Khan and Gregory Hines chuckling along. What else do you want?

The only thing we Romans don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation, but I hear that’s coming quickly. Ba dum bump.

1. Breakfast Club. Poodle Joke.

This is number one, and do you know why? Because of you, Lerlines. Because when I told you what this post was about, this joke sprung to mind, and if it didn’t it should have. It’s a naked lady with a poodle. Be warned. This joke does not have a punchline. Deal with it.

*This only applies for the brasploition epic, Zapped!

SPM: Great to meet you, George! Long time-listener, first-time interviewer. Let’s jump right in: Why weren’t the credits in the Wham! The Hits VHS version?

GM: Look at two beautiful women in matching slouchy shirts clip-clop along a darkened path and forget your question.

SPM: Who the fuck is this guy?

GM: Look at me posing with a white wine spritzer and forget your question.

SPM: Where is the place where membership’s a smiling face, where strangers take you by the hand and welcome you to wonderland?

GM: Beneath the Panama.

SPM: Wait, like south of the Panama, or underground, or what?

GM: No, sorry. I meant they welcome you from beneath their panamas. Like hats.

SPM: Oh, so where is it? Acapulco? It must be Acapulco, right?

GM: Look into my eyes and forget your question.

SPM: Who the fuck is this guy?

A: Look at me showering and forget your question.

SPM: Why is it that all that’s missing is the sea, when you’re clearly sitting on the beach in this scene? And you talk about soft white sands and blue lagoons?

A: Look at me showering and forget your question.

SPM: Why is Andrew Ridgeley wearing long jams, and you’re in a white speedo?

GM: I am Greek and he is not.

SPM: That’s fair. But his hair is clearly better than yours.

GM: Look at these women’s crotches and forget you ever thought that.

SPM: Who the fuck is this guy?

GM: Look at us me angry in a cowboy hat and forget your question.

SPM: Do the girls stop and pick you up or leave you stranded?

GM: Look at me shaving naked and forget your question.

SPM: OK, so you’re pilots and they’re flight attendants? Why did you act like you didn’t know each other? Or were just surprised that they’re really hot in bikinis? Do you know each other or not? And are you on furlough or something, which is why you’re a pilot and permitted to drink all day and bake in the sun for a week? and honestly, I know it’s the 80s, but it’s a little sexist that you guys get to be pilots and they’re attendants.

GM: Look at Andrew showering and forget your question.

SPM: Forget my question? That’s a weird thing to say! No!

GM: Then look deeply into my eyes and forget your question.

SPM: Where are you going on those donkeys?

GM: Look at us shirtless, playing the trumpet, and forget your question.

SPM: Forget my question? That’s a weird thing to say! No!

GM: Look at us in pilot uniforms and forget your question.

SPM: Wow! Looks like that’s all the time we have for today. Thanks, George! You’re a true SlumberPartyMovie god.

GM: I know.

First Round: The creators. 

Seems Like Old Times was written by Neil Simon, so we know that it tackles serious relationship issues with a comedic sensibility.

I didn’t know Joyce DeWitt’s blonde sister was in this movie.

Foul Play was directed by Colin Higgins so we know it tackles serious issues of life and death with sidesplitting comedy.

Is that a loaded gun in your pocket or…?

ADVANTAGE: Tie

Round 2: The Cast

In Foul Play, Chevy plays a cop named Tony and Goldie plays a librarian named Gloria. They are pitted against a radical group who wants to call attention to their fairly rational quest to get the government to tax the churches by assassinating the pope with the help of a man with a scar, and albino,  a dwarf who is not really a dwarf, and a Turk who may or may not be Turkish.

So if we taxed the church, you wouldn’t be trying to kill us?

In Seems Like Old Times, it is writer Nick and lawyer Glenda against two bank robbers.

Look at them. They even look like bank robbers.

ADVANTAGE: A minimalist would say Seems Like Old Times, but I’m not a minimalist, so I’ll say Foul Play.

Round 3: The Opening

Both movies start with a drive up and/or down the coast on California Route 1.

In SLOT, Nick drove a AMC Jimmy from Big Sur to Carmel with the bank robbers while Marvin Hamlish played in the background.

Hamlish?

In Foul Play, Gloria drove a yellow bug around Marin with an under-cover cop named Scotty while Barry Manilow played on the radio. Barry EFFING Manilow. He wrote Copa-freaking-cabana, and you have the nerve to step up to him with Hamlish? Fuck that, you know why? Because Rico wore a diamond. Hamlish didn’t wear no fucking diamond, so shut it.

ADANTAGE: Foul Play.

Round 4: The Setting

Foul Play is set in San Francisco and Seems Like Old Times is set in LA.

ADVANTAGE: Foul Play.

Why? Because FUCK YOU, that’s why.

Round 5: The Chemistry

The chemistry between Gloria and Tony is off the charts in Foul Play. So much so that, in the scene where they finally kiss, Chevy is clearly doing a goofy Goldie impersonation, and it stays in the final cut. See for yourself.

There is so much chemistry between these two in SLOT, that Nick kisses his ex-wife Glenda in front of her current husband Ira, who is played grodingly by Charles Grodin, and it somehow doesn’t seem as odd as it really, really is.

ADVANTAGE: Tie

Round 6: Guest Stars.

Seems Like Old Times also starred Robert Guillaume. Benson. Mother humping BENSON DU BOIS is in this fucking movie. How do you beat that?

In this movie, the door is opened for Benson.

I’ll tell you how. Stanley Tibbits. The funniest mother fucker in the movie, Dudley Moore, plays the funniest character in any movie. Stanley Tibbits. Poor Stanley has learned everything about sex from the Penthouse Forum, and he believes every word. When he finally gets a live woman in his “beaver trap”, she is surprised and confused by his behavior (and a little impressed at his proclivity for shopping by mail.) He is left feeling ashamed and a little violated.

Don’t look at me!

If you think I’m exaggerating. Watch this. It will be the best eight and a half minutes of your life. Trust me.

Stanley shows up later in a happy ending massage room in a Soma Victorian that looks a lot like the Soma Victorian that I lived in, but it was not the same one, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Stanley Tibbits steals the scene again by immediately using the terms “pussy pie” and “afternoon delight” with unselfconscious glee.

Take your time, Pussy Pie.

ADVANTAGE: Foul Play

Round 7: Sassy brunettes who basically save everyone with their sassiness.

In Foul Play, Stella, who is on constant look-out for the Stanley Tibbits of the world, lends Gloria a loud rape alarm, some mace and brass knuckles. Gloria later uses these items to escape from Turk who may or may not be Turkish.

No one messes with Stella.

In SLOT, Aurora, who is famous for having her feet scraped and making the world’s best pepperoni chicken, catches the bank robbers, with the help of Glenda’s dogs while she is out getting her feet scraped and pointedly not making pepperoni chicken.

And then I saw these two gringos…

ADVANTAGE: Seems Like Old Times.

Round 8: Pick-Up Lines

In Foul Play, Tony tries this one on Gloria, “What do you say? Would you like to take a shower?” It does not work.

In SLOT,  Nick tells Gloria that there is an exact representation of her face on the walls of a Mexican prison, and it sort of works.

ADVANTAGE: Seems Like Old Times.

Round 9: Fight Scenes

In Foul Play, Burgess meredith fights Rachel Roberts, using what he learned in “Jungle Training” against what she apparently learned in a women’s prison.

Ah…the old priceless painting over the head maneuver. Learned it in ‘Nam.

In SLOT, Ira had to fight the dogs for the bed.

You make them move.

ADVANTAGE: Foul Play

Oh? Don’t believe me? The action starts at 5:48. You’re welcome.  

Round 10: Final Epic Scene

In Foul Play, Tony crashes car after car on a race across the city (or more accurately  up and down the same hills over and over) to stop the Pope from being killed at The Mikado. Yes. That’s right. It’s not a car chase. No one is chasing them. Tony is just driving so fast that he keeps crashing cars in spectacular fashion. There is even an homage to Silver Streak, Higgin’s previous film. See if you can spot it.

In SLOT, there is an epic boss comes over to dinner scene. The boss is Stanley, the governor of California, the dinner is pepperoni chicken that Aurora did not make, and the server is drunk.

ADVANTAGE: Foul Play

Bonus round: 

In Foul Play, a couple of old ladies talk about old lady shit while coming up with filthy Scrabble words. Just watch it.

What do you got, SLOT? That’s right. You got nothing.

ADVANTAGE: Foul Play

Oh! And it’s a knock out! Thanks for playing Seems Like Old Times, but Foul Play just wanted it more.

It’s actually a cute movie so far, although I might have to write later about the rapeyness, but I want to point something out. The girl in the video with the sleeveless high-necked top and the yellow clamdiggers? She’s the fat girl. Her character name is actually Pudge.

That embarrassing tub of lard is Annabeth Gish. She’s not even 1980s movie fat. WTF, Zelda Barron.

It does get better, by the way.

Fortunately, at the end of the long, dark hallway that was seventh grade was a glorious escape that will surprise none of you Lerlines out there: theater. I auditioned for, and was awarded, the role of Mammy Yokum in our high school’s spring musical “Li’l Abner,” and I spent the last three months of that awful year in the company of seniors. Seniors! These were the elder statesmen, who’d been through junior high and come out the other side not just alive, but popular, even. (My school was so small that seventh graders were cast in the high school musical, and even the popular kids did theater.)

That was my actual costume, down to the corncob pipe.

I could talk about Marci (Daisy Mae) and Kenny (Li’l Abner), who were THE couple of the day, and how they wasted valuable I-love-you-no-I-love-you hours counseling me on the awfulness of frenemies. I could mention how wonderful it was to escape into sassy Mammy Yokum’s bonnet and boss around people a foot taller than me–I was still only 4’8″, having not hit my growth spurt that would rocket me up to 5’4″ inside of eight months–and how the applause, o, the applause! washed over me and officially made me an audience addict. How Earthquake McGoon thanked me for saving his ass when he forgot his lines, how the music cut out during “Rag Offin’ the Bush” (seriously) and we danced an entire number in silence, missing not one beat, and making our terrifying 70-year-old choreographer weep with pride.

I could go into far more detail about those things. But this is not just about those things. This post is about Salt’n'Pepa, and Johnny G.

Johnny G. was a senior, too, and he was Marryin’ Sam. Not literally, of course, although my stage-managing sister Samantha’s favorite line was when he introduced himself, saying, “I’m Marryin’ Sam!” Marryin’ Sam was the preacher of Dogpatch, and had some swell songs and hilarious lines (“Girl, what you got left over’s more than what most folks starts out with.”).

Johnny wasn’t much of a singer, but he could belt, and he was very funny, unlike the fellow in this clip, he was really, really, really hot. So you do the math. Johnny’s the star of the show, really adorable and funny, and was kind enough to not blow off a hangdog, shrimpy 12-year-old who was clearly madly in love with him. He was my first crush, my first love; I’d be standing in JCPenney’s and think I heard his voice over my shoulder, and my heart would flutter, and I’d turn and see a dumpy security guard whose voice sounded nothing like my true love’s. Johnny listened to Motown with me, and agreed that Gladys Knight’s version of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” was totally better than Marvin Gaye’s.

One night, at a middle school dance, Johnny was there–not sure why, I think he was friends with the DJ–and Salt’n'Pepa’s Push It busted out. Along with “Pump Up the Volume,” it was THE dance song of 1987. I was hanging around Johnny’s side, as usual, when he started dancing–kind of a two-step hop to each side, then a little hop in a circle. I echoed it to him. He did another move. I danced it back. He burst out laughing–not at me, mind you, but in surprise.

And then Johnny and I had a full-on dance-off for the rest of the song.

Pretty sure this is what I looked like in that moment, only with choppy short hair and unplucked eyebrows.

Of course, my love for Johnny G. did not end in me being swept off to marry him in his full Marine dress blues; it ended with me crying behind sunglasses while my mom gently explained the reality of crushes.

A few years later, a Doogie Howser, MD episode featured a girl in love with Doogie, and he got a speech (I think from his mom) that he should be very nice to her, and I had a revelation that Johnny’s niceness was not just an illusion of my bedazzled puberty; that really was him. We all learn the hard lesson of falling in love with a superstar doesn’t usually work out, but a good guy will dull the pain.

I thought of Johnny last Saturday, when we headed over to my neighbor’s house for an impromptu outdoor dance party. Their 8-year-old was demonstrating some of her dance moves. I demonstrated the Roger Rabbit and  and running man (both featured in this video). She demanded I teach her.

The running man.

In closing: show a kid a dance, they have fun for a second. Teach a kid to dance, they can boogie down for a lifetime. Additionally, all you fly brothers, get on down here and dance; and Spinderella: won’t you please cut it up, this one time?

Take a break, girl.

Here is all you will ever need to know:

Bluto from Animal House

Advice: When the going  gets tough, the tough get going.

Why?: Because when the Dean Wormers of the world have you on double secret probation, it  is time for a really stupid and futile gesture be done on somebody’s part.

Also: Just kiss my ass from now on.

Rizzo from Grease

Advice: There are worse things I could do.

Why?: So you got knocked up in the back of an Edsel? So you had to change your name because of the library books you stole. So you cheat at Words with Friends, and now your friends have some words for you? So you told the guy you’re dating that you are committed to composting but you just mean that you throw apple cores out the window of your car when you pass the park? So what? You don’t cheat and you don’t lie. Oh, wait. You do cheat and lie…and steal. Whatever. It still holds.

Also: Hey, Fongool!

The next three pieces of essential life advice all come from characters played by Bill Murray. Coincidence?  I doubt it.

Tripper from Meatballs

Advice: It just doesn’t matter.

Why?: Because when you think about it, it really doesn’t.

Also: Not masseur. Masseuse.

John Winger from Stripes

Advice: We’re all very different people, but we’re all Americans.

Why?: It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, brown, gay (or willing to learn), a boy named Francis or a girl named Zooey who gets blamed for horrific terrorist acts. We’re all Americans. We were all kicked out of every respectable country on the planet, so let’s stop bickering and acting so high and mighty. (I’m looking at you, Arizona.)

Also: Razzle Dazzle.

Additionally: Lighten up, Francis.

Phil Connors from Groundhog Day

Advice: Don’t drive angry

Why?: What has road rage ever gotten you except to your destination just a few seconds faster? The next time you’re pounding your steering wheel because someone takes five seconds longer to parallel park than you think you would, remember that you are no better than a rodent who thinks he can predict the weather.

Also: Check your mirrors. Side of your eye. Side of your eye.

Winston Zeddmore from Ghostbusters

Advice: If someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes!

Why?: Because if they are stupid enough to ask, they might be stupid enough to believe it, and god status is pretty sweet.

Also: Marshmallows are bad for you.

Mr. Kesuke Miyagi from The Karate Kid

Advice: Wax on. Wax off.

Why?: It always seems like all those geometry lessons we slept through in Jr. High were worthless until we had to parallel park in front of an angry beaver with a god complex. And also because it seems like all we were doing was watching hilarious movies, but we were really learning important life lessons that we could one day list in a blog that no one reads.

Also: Teens are cheap labor.

Sensei John Kreese from The Karate Kid

Advice: Sweep the Leg.

Why?: Because if that quadruped honks his horn one more time, he’s going to learn the meaning of the phrase “no mercy”.

Also: Come into my dojo….

Hanna Long from Flashdance

Advice: Do it now, Alexandria. Do it now.

Why?: Because today you might be an old but hale old woman with a slight cough, and tomorrow some bitch might be stripping the sheets off your bed for the last time.

Also: No also. That’s it. Do it. Do it now, Lerlines. Stop reading this blog and get your asses down to that ballet audition.

Jointus!

This clip more than speaks for itself, but if it doesn’t, I’ll try. Gregory Hines, wearing an ill-fitting Roman soldier uniform jumped off the back of a chariot into field of funny looking plants, asking for “papyrus! Rolling papyrus!” It was one of the highlights of an already bright career.

Watch for my two favorite lines: “You people don’t know the value.” and “Let the coolness get into our vertebrae.”  Please add your own in the comments.