This is a public service to parents considering letting their kids watch Grease. No. Don’t worry about Rizzo’s pregnancy scare. Your kid isn’t going to understand 60s slang terms like “defective typewriter”, “PG” and “peachy keen jelly bean” so just chill about that, will you? Also, mellow out about Greased Lightning. Sing the lyrics loudly if you want. Let’s be real, it’s no worse than Milkshake or The Whistle Song. Besides, if it’s on basic cable, they’ll edit all the dirty parts…except for “get off my rocks”. I don’t know how that slipped past the censors. Maybe they thought Zuch and the boys planned on taking Greased Lightning out off-roading in the Bad Lands.
I’m sorry. Did you just say stud?
Don’t worry about any of that crap…until the end. Just stop the whole thing right after the big race. Just let your kid think that Sandy ends up with white Lorenzo Lamas* and Danny ends up with drag-queen Rita Moreno. It’ll be better than letting it roll to the final scene. And no, not because the final message is “The chain-smoking whore gets the guy”. Your kid will need to find that out eventually. I’m talking about the carnival…complete with old school rides like the Tilt-a-Whirl, the Ferris Wheel, The Whip-a-Lash…or whatever. I let my seven year-old daughter watch it three weeks ago, and every single day, she begs me to enroll her in a High School with an Amusement Park. She’s not letting it go. Where am I going to find one of those in San Francisco? LA maybe…but San Francisco?
I guess I should just be thankful that she hasn’t asked me for a flying car…yet.
Hang Spang. Spangdy Spam Be Bot.
* You know that Sandy’s blonde jocky boyfriend was played by Lorenzo, right? Because we covered this.
Wait. Did that really happen? Was there really a movie starring Steve Martin as a charismatic preacher and Ellen Greene as a rocker turned fake Amy Grant or was it just something they made up to scare kids in Sunday School? What was it called? Leap of Glory or something? On the real? No. It didn’t happen. You are mixing up two movies…three if you count Little Shop of Horrors.
Glory Glory was a 1989 made for HBO movie with John Boy as a goody-goody preacher and Ellen Greene as a bad-to-the-bone metal turned gospel singer with the voice of an a very weird angel. (You can check the trailer if you are brave enough to watch 2 second snippets of Greene snorting coke from her fist and sucking some dude’s toe.) Leap of Faith was a 1992 movie that opened in actual theaters starring Steve Martin’s preacher character from his early open-mic days and Debra Winger as Holly Hunter’s character in Broadcast News. Seriously. Watch this if you don’t believe me.
Hmm? What’s that? You thought you saw Meatloaf playing a jaded musician? Of course you did. The Loaf played a bus driver in Spice World, you think this role was beneath him? Come on, now. Huh? Now what? You just realized I called Ellen Green’s voice weird. Duh! Keep up, Lerlines! But, you know, in a good way. Look, I love Ellen. I love her voice, and I love the uberly earnest way she ramps up to a callous rocker growl, but this song SUCKS. I defy you to find a tune.
What was happening at the end? Yes. An actual abortion. That was back when movies didn’t wuss out and push the preggo character considering the fast train to abortion city down the stairs. I’m looking at you, Citizen Ruth and every Soap Opera ever. But did you notice how sucky the song was? No? You were focused on her jeans and strange religious lyrics? Look, that stuff wasn’t weird if you realize that it was based on a pre-cross-over Amy Grant. Don’t judge us lest ye be judged, bitches. We liked Amy Grant, whether she was singing about Jesus or some guy named Baby Baby, Peter Cetara or Vince Gill. Speaking of Amy, it is Friday Morning Video time, isn’t it? Mwa ha ha! Here she is pre-cross over:
And post.
Sorry, but you asked for it, Lerlines. You really did.
When I posted about Cindy Mancini’s fringed suede outfit that the plot of Can’t Buy Me Love turned on, I was remiss in not mentioning that Sloane Peterson also wore white fringe dead cow skin in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. But who wore it best? I think that all that fringe, combined with the matching tube top, makes Cindy look like a hooker with a law degree*. Sloane, on the other hand, looks like she rolled a roadie from The Steve Miller Band before getting dressed that morning.
I can’t decide. What do you think, Lerlines?
* You know I’m working on my pitch for Cinnamon’s Justice as we speak. The tag line is going to be “Hey baby, wanna lawyer?”
Lerlines! Tim Curry has had a stroke. Apparently, he’s doing just fine, but OH! What a shock! We need our Tim Curries hale, robust, vibrant and as healthy as possible. Here…watch him play the delightfully prim Dr. Pool in Oscar, another movie in which he did what he does best–stealing every scene he’s in.
It should come as no surprise to any of you Lerlines that a gal who enjoys blogging about Flashdance and Purple Rain also enjoys watching Dancing with the Stars. I enjoy it immensely.
What is not to love?
However, last week when Ingo Rademacher (you might remember him as the blonde point in the Brenda/Sonny/Jax love triangle from General Hospital) danced the Charleston to Fat Sam’s Grand Slam, I had flashbacks. Not the good kind, like when you hear a Paul Williams song and you suddenly remember all the words to Rainbow Connection as well as the song Gonzo sang at the campfire. And, now that I think of it, not the really bad kind, like when you watch a car crash through a remarkably flimsy “bridge out” sign to jump a dry creek bed, and you remember that Paul Williams was in Smokey and the Bandit, and you can’t get Little Enos’ mustache out of your mind. … Or the name “Little Enos”.
It haunts you.
No. I’m talking about the kind of flashback where you hear Paul William’s Fat Sam’s Grand Slam, and you remember that there was once a movie called Bugsy Malone (written and directed by a pre-fame and pre-Fame Alan Parker), and suddenly you go through it all again. The five stages of Bugsy Malone.
1. Mild curiosity.
“Oh hey. A young Scott Baio and a young Jodie Foster in a period piece. I’m stuck in this hospital bed/jail cell/ crippling depression. Maybe I’ll watch it”
2. Amused confusion.
“Um…where are the adults? I mean it’s starting to look like a gangster movie made with all children actors…for some reason, but….”
Nah! It couldn’t be THAT!
Because that would be weird and pointless.
Holy crap! Does that kid have a KID?!
3. Shocked Realization
These kids are in some pretty adult situations.
Very adult situations.
Oh my BOYZONE!!!
Was this legal…even in the 70s?
4. Detached Rationalization.
Maybe Parker is trying to say something about sensationalized violence in movies by using whip cream instead of bullets.
It makes sense.
Sort of.
Oh, but hey!
Those cars are pretty cool. I wish I had one of those when I was a kid.
Oh. They’re just pedal cars.
I did have one of those. Mine didn’t have a chauffeur, though. I crashed it into a few frog ponds, and then it got rusty.
5. Devastating Trauma
Oh look. An adorable child is singing. Wait. That’s not his voice. It’s familiar…odd and creepy…OH GOD. It’s Paul Williams!
That’s right. There is no acceptance in the Five Stages of Bugsy Malone. Just pure horror. Look, I take Paul Williams very seriously. He was the voice of a generation and a national frigging treasure, and when he dies*, I’m going to listen to Rainbow Connection over and over and cry like a baby…a very sad baby. But I don’t know why, but his voice is SUPER CREEPY. Maybe it’s because his singing style was honed in the 70s and is so devoid of irony that it reeks of festering sincerity. Maybe it is that he looks and sounds like a corporeal muppet.
Spot the non-Muppet. It’s harder than you think.
Whatever it is. That voice…coming out of a little kids mouth. Horrifying. Why couldn’t Kym have chosen a different song to Charleston to? Why Kym…WHY?!
Stop me if you’ve heard this one. You’re watching a movie, and enjoying all the trappings that come with it–dialogue, characters, explosions, bared breasts, bras exploding off of bare breasts*. Suddenly, everything comes to a screeching halt so that someone can tell a joke, and you just have to sit there, like a shnook, and wait for the punchline. Here are the best jokes from left field (or jflf).
10. Desperado. The Bar Bet.
This one doesn’t seem to belong on this list. It’s not really a SPM, and it doesn’t really fit the theme because I don’t think this joke was in the script. I just think that Tarantino wandered onto the set drunk and kept the footage because he liked the way his hair looked. But whatever. It’s a pretty funny joke.
9. What About Bob? I’m a Schizophrenic.
This one has it all. Bill Murray enthralling a room of people, Richard Dreyfus pulling his hair out in a fit of rage, and a classically hilarious joke.
8. The Crow. Jesus Walks Into an Inn.
I’m braving any bad juju that might be coming my way, as well as the wrath of time-travelling 90s goths, by listing this one, and I’m scared. Scared bad. But I must. Not because this is such a great joke, but it’s how the joke is told. Just watch.
7. Stripes. Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?
I was going to disqualify this one for breaking the mold, but then I realized it needed to be included for that very same reason.
6. Pulp Fiction. Fox Force Five Joke.
How did Tarantino make this list twice? Look. This is a bad joke, and it’s about a very unsettling subject–the horrors of baby tomato abuse. But you know what? It fits the scene more perfectly than “hey, thanks for re-starting my heart” would have. (BTW: My two favorite things in this scene are Uma’s eyes and the weird lawn sculpture that appears to be judging them both and the joke.)
5. Good Will Hunting. The Long Form Boston Joke.
This is the reason I like this movie. Because Ben Affleck’s Chuckie is 100% spot on. See, when anyone who was born within a fifty mile radius of Boston tells a joke, they follow three rules. It has to be told like it is the truth, but happened to a friend or, even better, a cousin. It has to be unnecessarily long. It has to include a cat (preferably a dead one). Chuckie’s story joke hit all three marks. (My long-form story joke included a dead dog, but it was a very small dog, so they let me stay in the state.)
In a pitch perfect Boston accent, Chuckie enthralls and annoys his friends with a long, drawn out story about how his cousin hits a cat with a car, chases the dying cat across the street, and puts the cat out of its misery. A large man asks why he is bashing his cat’s head in and Chuckie’s cousin explains the whole story and points at the hood of his car…which has a dead cat stuck to the grille. The punchline: Can you believe it? He brained an innocent cat.
4. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. You Know What Frosts My Ass?
Just in case we needed more proof that big boobs and adorable accents make everything, even bad jokes, better.
Dolly: You know what really frosts my ass?
Burt: No. What?
Dolly: An ice cube about this high. (Indicates Dolly-ass height.)
3. My Favorite Year. The Duck Joke.
This one makes the cut because of Jessica Harper’s charm, Benji’s reaction, just what an AWESOME movie My Favorite Year is, and the fact that the bad version of the joke is way funnier than the professionally told version. Take that, Stoneberg.
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing a duck, and he says, “Can you help me because I have a duck on my head?”
2. History of the Word Part 1. Dying at the Palace.
So this is technically a comedy routine, but it is a comedy routine full of jokes. Funny ones. Delivered by Mel Brooks. To Dom DeLuise. With Madeline Khan and Gregory Hines chuckling along. What else do you want?
The only thing we Romans don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation, but I hear that’s coming quickly. Ba dum bump.
1. Breakfast Club. Poodle Joke.
This is number one, and do you know why? Because of you, Lerlines. Because when I told you what this post was about, this joke sprung to mind, and if it didn’t it should have. It’s a naked lady with a poodle. Be warned. This joke does not have a punchline. Deal with it.
*This only applies for the brasploition epic, Zapped!
In 1978, movie audiences ran to see the surreal cuteness of Goldie Hawn paired with the unflappably flippant Chevy Chase in Foul Play. In 1980, Hollywood bet they’d do it again to catch the churlish and girlish combo in Seems Like Old Times, and they did. Now, we throw these two flicks into The Thunderdome because we all know that there can be only one!
First Round: The creators.
Seems Like Old Times was written by Neil Simon, so we know that it tackles serious relationship issues with a comedic sensibility.
I didn’t know Joyce DeWitt’s blonde sister was in this movie.
Foul Play was directed by Colin Higgins so we know it tackles serious issues of life and death with sidesplitting comedy.
Is that a loaded gun in your pocket or…?
ADVANTAGE: Tie
Round 2: The Cast
In Foul Play, Chevy plays a cop named Tony and Goldie plays a librarian named Gloria. They are pitted against a radical group who wants to call attention to their fairly rational quest to get the government to tax the churches by assassinating the pope with the help of a man with a scar, and albino, a dwarf who is not really a dwarf, and a Turk who may or may not be Turkish.
So if we taxed the church, you wouldn’t be trying to kill us?
In Seems Like Old Times, it is writer Nick and lawyer Glenda against two bank robbers.
Look at them. They even look like bank robbers.
ADVANTAGE:A minimalist would say Seems Like Old Times, but I’m not a minimalist, so I’ll say Foul Play.
Round 3: The Opening
Both movies start with a drive up and/or down the coast on California Route 1.
In SLOT, Nick drove a AMC Jimmy from Big Sur to Carmel with the bank robbers while Marvin Hamlish played in the background.
Hamlish?
In Foul Play, Gloria drove a yellow bug around Marin with an under-cover cop named Scotty while Barry Manilow played on the radio. Barry EFFING Manilow. He wrote Copa-freaking-cabana, and you have the nerve to step up to him with Hamlish? Fuck that, you know why? Because Rico wore a diamond. Hamlish didn’t wear no fucking diamond, so shut it.
ADANTAGE: Foul Play.
Round 4: The Setting
Foul Play is set in San Francisco and Seems Like Old Times is set in LA.
ADVANTAGE: Foul Play.
Why? Because FUCK YOU, that’s why.
Round 5: The Chemistry
The chemistry between Gloria and Tony is off the charts in Foul Play. So much so that, in the scene where they finally kiss, Chevy is clearly doing a goofy Goldie impersonation, and it stays in the final cut. See for yourself.
There is so much chemistry between these two in SLOT, that Nick kisses his ex-wife Glenda in front of her current husband Ira, who is played grodingly by Charles Grodin, and it somehow doesn’t seem as odd as it really, really is.
ADVANTAGE: Tie
Round 6: Guest Stars.
Seems Like Old Times also starred Robert Guillaume. Benson. Mother humping BENSON DU BOIS is in this fucking movie. How do you beat that?
In this movie, the door is opened for Benson.
I’ll tell you how. Stanley Tibbits. The funniest mother fucker in the movie, Dudley Moore, plays the funniest character in any movie. Stanley Tibbits. Poor Stanley has learned everything about sex from the Penthouse Forum, and he believes every word. When he finally gets a live woman in his “beaver trap”, she is surprised and confused by his behavior (and a little impressed at his proclivity for shopping by mail.) He is left feeling ashamed and a little violated.
Don’t look at me!
If you think I’m exaggerating. Watch this. It will be the best eight and a half minutes of your life. Trust me.
Stanley shows up later in a happy ending massage room in a Soma Victorian that looks a lot like the Soma Victorian that I lived in, but it was not the same one, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Stanley Tibbits steals the scene again by immediately using the terms “pussy pie” and “afternoon delight” with unselfconscious glee.
Take your time, Pussy Pie.
ADVANTAGE: Foul Play
Round 7: Sassy brunettes who basically save everyone with their sassiness.
In Foul Play, Stella, who is on constant look-out for the Stanley Tibbits of the world, lends Gloria a loud rape alarm, some mace and brass knuckles. Gloria later uses these items to escape from Turk who may or may not be Turkish.
No one messes with Stella.
In SLOT, Aurora, who is famous for having her feet scraped and making the world’s best pepperoni chicken, catches the bank robbers, with the help of Glenda’s dogs while she is out getting her feet scraped and pointedly not making pepperoni chicken.
And then I saw these two gringos…
ADVANTAGE: Seems Like Old Times.
Round 8: Pick-Up Lines
In Foul Play, Tony tries this one on Gloria, “What do you say? Would you like to take a shower?” It does not work.
In SLOT, Nick tells Gloria that there is an exact representation of her face on the walls of a Mexican prison, and it sort of works.
ADVANTAGE: Seems Like Old Times.
Round 9: Fight Scenes
In Foul Play, Burgess meredith fights Rachel Roberts, using what he learned in “Jungle Training” against what she apparently learned in a women’s prison.
Ah…the old priceless painting over the head maneuver. Learned it in ‘Nam.
In SLOT, Ira had to fight the dogs for the bed.
You make them move.
ADVANTAGE: Foul Play
Oh? Don’t believe me? The action starts at 5:48. You’re welcome.
Round 10: Final Epic Scene
In Foul Play, Tony crashes car after car on a race across the city (or more accurately up and down the same hills over and over) to stop the Pope from being killed at The Mikado. Yes. That’s right. It’s not a car chase. No one is chasing them. Tony is just driving so fast that he keeps crashing cars in spectacular fashion. There is even an homage to Silver Streak, Higgin’s previous film. See if you can spot it.
In SLOT, there is an epic boss comes over to dinner scene. The boss is Stanley, the governor of California, the dinner is pepperoni chicken that Aurora did not make, and the server is drunk.
ADVANTAGE: Foul Play
Bonus round:
In Foul Play, a couple of old ladies talk about old lady shit while coming up with filthy Scrabble words. Just watch it.
What do you got, SLOT? That’s right. You got nothing.
ADVANTAGE: Foul Play
Oh! And it’s a knock out! Thanks for playing Seems Like Old Times, but Foul Play just wanted it more.
Oprah, I love you, but I don’t need you. Go have a few Moscow Mules with Gail, and just chill because I got this. Dr. Phil? Fuck you. There I said it. Even if I could listen to you talk for ten seconds without daydreaming about drowning you in a vat of three bean salad, I don’t need your advice. Dr. Oz? Actually, I have a few questions about wrinkle creams I need you to answer for me, and then you can go straight to hell–don’t forget your sunscreen. Why would I need you chumps when my favorite movie characters have been telling me how to live my best life since Oprah was manning the phones at Dialing for Dollars?
Take a break, girl.
Here is all you will ever need to know:
Bluto from Animal House
Advice: When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Why?: Because when the Dean Wormers of the world have you on double secret probation, it is time for a really stupid and futile gesture be done on somebody’s part.
Also: Just kiss my ass from now on.
Rizzo from Grease
Advice: There are worse things I could do.
Why?: So you got knocked up in the back of an Edsel? So you had to change your name because of the library books you stole. So you cheat at Words with Friends, and now your friends have some words for you? So you told the guy you’re dating that you are committed to composting but you just mean that you throw apple cores out the window of your car when you pass the park? So what? You don’t cheat and you don’t lie. Oh, wait. You do cheat and lie…and steal. Whatever. It still holds.
Also: Hey, Fongool!
The next three pieces of essential life advice all come from characters played by Bill Murray. Coincidence? I doubt it.
Tripper from Meatballs
Advice: It just doesn’t matter.
Why?: Because when you think about it, it really doesn’t.
Also: Not masseur. Masseuse.
John Winger from Stripes
Advice: We’re all very different people, but we’re all Americans.
Why?: It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, brown, gay (or willing to learn), a boy named Francis or a girl named Zooey who gets blamed for horrific terrorist acts. We’re all Americans. We were all kicked out of every respectable country on the planet, so let’s stop bickering and acting so high and mighty. (I’m looking at you, Arizona.)
Also: Razzle Dazzle.
Additionally: Lighten up, Francis.
Phil Connors from Groundhog Day
Advice: Don’t drive angry
Why?: What has road rage ever gotten you except to your destination just a few seconds faster? The next time you’re pounding your steering wheel because someone takes five seconds longer to parallel park than you think you would, remember that you are no better than a rodent who thinks he can predict the weather.
Also: Check your mirrors. Side of your eye. Side of your eye.
Winston Zeddmore from Ghostbusters
Advice: If someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes!
Why?: Because if they are stupid enough to ask, they might be stupid enough to believe it, and god status is pretty sweet.
Also: Marshmallows are bad for you.
Mr. Kesuke Miyagi from The Karate Kid
Advice: Wax on. Wax off.
Why?: It always seems like all those geometry lessons we slept through in Jr. High were worthless until we had to parallel park in front of an angry beaver with a god complex. And also because it seems like all we were doing was watching hilarious movies, but we were really learning important life lessons that we could one day list in a blog that no one reads.
Also: Teens are cheap labor.
Sensei John Kreese from The Karate Kid
Advice: Sweep the Leg.
Why?: Because if that quadruped honks his horn one more time, he’s going to learn the meaning of the phrase “no mercy”.
Also: Come into my dojo….
Hanna Long from Flashdance
Advice: Do it now, Alexandria. Do it now.
Why?: Because today you might be an old but hale old woman with a slight cough, and tomorrow some bitch might be stripping the sheets off your bed for the last time.
Also: No also. That’s it. Do it. Do it now, Lerlines. Stop reading this blog and get your asses down to that ballet audition.
My brother posted a news story from a celebration on a Santa Cruz college campus on 4/20 with the caption, “Roman Red.” It inspired me to post this kind vid from History of The World Part 1.
Jointus!
This clip more than speaks for itself, but if it doesn’t, I’ll try. Gregory Hines, wearing an ill-fitting Roman soldier uniform jumped off the back of a chariot into field of funny looking plants, asking for “papyrus! Rolling papyrus!” It was one of the highlights of an already bright career.
Watch for my two favorite lines: “You people don’t know the value.” and “Let the coolness get into our vertebrae.” Please add your own in the comments.
Paint the Internet black. No. I don’t know how you would do that…I guess we could just shut it all down and then pour some tempera down those tubes that Ted Stevens was talking about. It doesn’t matter. I’m not in the mood to argue. Janet Jackson quit showbiz because she married a rich religious guy. So? She was already rich and religious…why you gotta quit on us Janet? Why?
Is it because people keep mentioning that you were on Fame?
Dammit, Lerlines! I will make you love this show.
Yes. We mention it because you were awesome on it–in your modified Dorothy Hamill haircut and your button up Oxford shirts, and your signature brilliant dance move which can only be described as a grapevine into booby shimmy.
Is it that we mention that you were Willis’s girlfriend on Diff’rent Strokes? So? You were, and you were the best God damned thing that ever happened to that constantly upstaged beanpole.
The guy on the right is waaaay out of his league.
Is it because we post pictures of you as Penny on Good Times with a band-aid on your head. So? That little abused bundle of sass was the best thing to happen to Wilona since she had the good sense to put the words buffalo and butt together.
Now Penny, remember to always match your hat and scarf to your low-cut dress. Always.
Oh…do not even get me started on that time you were the best thing to happen to Eddie Murphy since the 80s because I promised myself I would not cry.
Makes you almost want to watch this movie…doesn’t it?
Oh Janet. You know how we feel about you. So please…don’t leave us, but if you must…leave us with three things to remember you by: A band-aid, a button-up Oxford, and a zoot suit. …We promise not to sell them on Ebay.
RT @Spiegelmania: Winds up wiping your ass with three rocks are not an Earth Day tradition, but a scene from 1993 movie, Demolition Man. Ve… 1 month ago
